If you see any of these 14 things on a boy’s bedroom wall, you should run a mile

The inside of a boy’s bedroom is a weird and thoroughly terrifying place.

For starters, it’s an absolute shit-tip because mummy doesn’t get the privilege of cleaning it anymore. The sheets are defo dark and there’s a distinct lack of lamps or aesthetic lighting, and then there’s the smell. It’s sort of an unruly blend of cheap deodorant, unwashed football kit and the rotting piece of pizza he forgot was in his bin. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, there’s an empty diffuser he bought from Wilko two years ago that has since dried up.

At this point, he should just give up and accept the reality that his room is just a gross place to spend more than twenty seconds. But no. He tries to polish this colossal turd by putting a random selection of things on his walls.

If you get back to a boy’s room and he has any of these 14 posters / flags or hangings on the walls of his room, you need to get out of there before he can say: “Do you want to watch Pulp Fiction, it’s this really old film I just discovered.”

1. Pulp Fiction

I mean this really is the créme de la créme. If he has this on his wall, the boy you thought you were about to shag puts no thought into anything he does. Leave before the brief bout of missionary ensues.

2. Actually, any Tarantino film

I think this may be worse than Pulp Fiction because chances are, if he has a different Tarantino movie poster, he probs thinks he’s got intelligent opinions about cinema. If you stay in his room any longer, he will mansplain these opinions to you until the early hours of the morning.

3. That Stone Roses poster. You know the one. The one with the big fuck off lemon

Three options here. Option one: he saw this poster in Freshers’ Week and thought: “Huh. I like lemons. They’re yellow.” Option two: he’s unnaturally obsessed with the Stone Roses and hasn’t even attempted to listen to new music since his dad first played this in the car when he was 12 and said: “Now, son. You don’t want to bother with that rap music. This is a proper tune.”

Option three: he’s from Manchester (or near Manchester) and he’s made that his entire personality. But tbh, it doesn’t matter which of those boys he is, you just need to get out of his room, and fast.

4. Mandala wall hanging

This wall hanging probably entered his consciousness after he watched Fresh Meat and thought it was compulsary item for a student to own. It was a no-brainer that when he saw one at psy-trance festival in Goa, he just had to cop one.

5. LED strip lights

Too intense. Why’s he tried to make his bedroom like a club? He’ll probs tell you about how every now and again, he turns the lights to red mode, takes a load of acid and watches the elephants roam around his wall hanging. Safe to say, he’s a strange boy.

6. Beer mats

Great. You like beer.

7. An England flag

Obviously the England flag doesn’t necessarily mean someone’s a bit right wing BUT…he’s probs really right wing. It’s almost a dead cert he thinks his free speech has been curtailed and quite likely he’s watched every royal wedding in full. Just leave.

8. A football flag

Get ready for pillow talk to comprise of him painfully explaining the offside rule. The only thing worse than a football flag is a Liverpool FC flag. This means he’s probably from Surrey but his grandad is Scouse and he’s just clawing for some kind of regional identity that he thinks gives him some kind of edge.

9. Star Wars

Again, he’s defo just picked this up in Freshers’ Week.

10. Club posters

He only goes to clubs that have a shitty weekly theme. His favourite night out was when a Gordon Ramsay lookalike turned up and threw fried chicken into the smoking area while telling everyone to fuck off. That’s why he stole four neon posters of Chef Ramsay from the club, scrunched them up, then blu-tacked them to his wall. Strange behaviour if you ask me.

11. Something with Soviet vibes

The colour scheme and shapes on this poster are just about as basic as the boy who bought it.

12. That tennis poster

You know the one where a female tennis player is lifting up her skirt so you can see her bum? That one. He just needs to grow up at this point. He’s most likely got a suspicious roll of toilet paper on his bedside table, spaced between mouldy old cups of tea. Grim.

13. A map of the world

I swear to god if he’s got little red pins over Bali and Prague, expect hours of chat about how everyone should take a gap year.

14. Fairy lights- This is a trap

Somehow, this boy has made it into a girl’s room before, but he was there for business not pleasure. He took notes on the décor, got some fairy lights, realised minimalism was key, threw some plants in the mix and maybe even got one of those Himalayan salt lamps. Long story short, he only has fairy lights because he thinks you like fairy lights. It’s a cunning trick. You need to leave.

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