Boys, these girls have asked us to tell you how to take the perfect nude

Frankly, this guide is long overdue. Now I don’t want to generalise here, but a lot of you boys have been sending unsolicited penis pics in girls’ Instagram DMs, and it has to stop. If – and only if – you’re lucky enough to ever receive a nude request, you’ll want to know exactly how to take nudes sexily and effectively.

We have a very specific criteria, as it turns out, and we just want to feel heard. Sitting back and snapping a blurry photo of your erect genitalia while we can clearly see your Toy Story bedsheets and uncut toenails isn’t exactly going to turn us on, be honest.

I know, I know, it’s hard to use your words and actually ask a girl what she’s into. You don’t have to worry on that front, because we’ve done all the hard work for you. We asked 15 different girls about their ideal dick pic, and compiled each answer into the ultimate “how to take nudes” guide:

1. ‘Clean underwear and space, and oh my god please no toes in the shot’ – Emma

Boys, I know you think male privilege has given you some kind of immunity towards cleaning the skids off your boxers, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. When you send a close-up dick pic and your white Calvin Kleins are starting to go grey, your potential mate is either going to ghost you, block you or tell you to reevaluate your life decisions. Possibly all three.

So – nice, clean underwear please. While you’re there, make sure you clean your room as well. Do we really need to be seeing the pizza you ate three weeks ago festering away in a box on your floor? I’m trying to have sex with you, not grow my own antibiotics from your food mould.

You should largely keep your toes out of the shot, too. Of course I can’t speak for everyone here – some people have foot fetishes, and that’s valid. But the general consensus seems to be that feet are ick inducing. Sorry.

2. ‘I’m a sucker for a mirror shot… there’s something confident/almost cocky about that which excites me’ – Amy

It’s 2022 and body confidence is in. It really doesn’t matter if you look like Channing Tatum anymore because he’s not been in anything good since 2014. If you have a full-length mirror, why not put it to use?

At the end of the day, the reason this person is sexting you is because they find you sexy. No need to feel shy about it, and who knows? You might even like it.

Photo via Unsplash

3. ‘Don’t fuss around your dick, it looks ridiculous’ – Nona

I’m a firm believer in never yucking other people’s yum – so maybe take this one with a pinch of salt. But some people just don’t like it when you mess around with your own penis too much in a steamy video. Keep it simple, you don’t necessarily have to start flexing it and pulling it around in every angle. Save some for IRL.

4. ‘Grey joggers in a nearly-nude gets me every time’ – Daisy

Okay, hear me out. Totally nude, but grey joggers pulled down under your hips. Not showing absolutely everything – but a flash of V line here, a glimpse of pubic hair there, and you’ve got the perfect teasy shot.

Alternatively, you could literally just capture your hard-on in said pair of joggers. The choice is yours.

5. ‘Just out the shower gets me every time’ – Caitlin

I think we can all agree that shower sex is seriously awful in practice. But the fantasy is still there, no matter how many times we leave ourselves disappointed after trying it out.

A full body shot straight from the shower with droplets of water glowing on your skin is probably one of the sexiest things ever, no matter what your gender is.

Photo via Unsplash before edits

6. ‘Fully nude with a backwards hat’ – Tonina

I mean, to each their own!! Personally, I feel like this look is a little bit “2013 Vine star’s leaked nudes” but if the person you’re talking to is into that – go for it.

7. ‘I really hate when their bedsheets are really babyish’ – Elle

She continued, “nothing wrong with a Batman duvet set but I don’t want to be reminded of children when I’m looking at a penis”.

Seriously though, we’re begging on our knees for you to sort it out. Sometimes I still sleep in bedsheets with fairies on it – that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you see my naked body splayed out all over them. Also, perhaps a niche request but PLEASE make sure your shelf of various Mr Potato Heads isn’t lurking in the background of a mirror shot.

8. ‘Full body shot with the main event covered by a towel is always the one’ – Rosella

While taking your sexy post-shower shot, please make sure that towel is covering things (at least at first). Depending on what the person’s vibe is, you might find that they enjoy leaving a lot to the imagination. Towel shots leave a lot of room for teasing, so why not get creative?

Photo via Unsplash before edits

9. ‘Bum shot, always. No need to have your penis in there, turn that thing around’ – Aish

Listen, we like a peachy bum just as much as you do – and we want to see it. Good angles include lying down on your front and snapping it from behind, or simply standing with your back to the mirror.

10. ‘Something about rings on fingers makes me weak’ – Chloe

Honestly, we love a man who confidently wears jewellery. It screams RICH.

11. ‘If it’s a video keep the sound on’ – Becca

We’re horny and we want to hear you. Getting a naughty video spot on is a sure fire way to receive nudes back.

12. ‘Gotta have arms/hands in the shot too. Even better if they’re veiny’ – Jess

I – genuinely – could write a 500-page essay on the importance of a veiny arm. I like a girthy wrist and I’m not the only one. Bonus points if they’re hairy as well.

Photo via Unsplash before edits

13. ‘Hand on junk. Leaves something to the imagination and has a hot arm in’ – Billie

Again with the arms. A cheeky mirror pic with your hand covering the goods is the best kind of nearly-nude. Acting confident really pays off when it comes to taking naughty pictures, no matter your shape or size.

14. ‘Clean – and I cannot stress this enough – your NAILS’ – Sadia

Also PLEASE trim them. There’s nothing worse than seeing a guy with grey matter under his nails. It costs nothing to take a scrubbing brush to them under some hot, soapy water. Personal hygiene is so important when you’re sleeping with someone. Who wants to imagine you fingering them with long, scratchy nails? Literally no-one.

15. ‘Should go without saying but unsolicited dick pics are always a no no’ – Elle

Just ASK. Here’s a helpful guide – if you’ve only just followed them on Instagram, don’t send an unsolicited dick pic. If you’ve been talking on Tinder and you’ve managed to move things to WhatsApp, don’t surprise them with an unsolicited dick pic. If you’re sexting and she hasn’t asked you for anything, don’t send an unsolicited dick pic.

The only time you should EVER send a dick pic is when someone says to you, “hey. Let’s exchange pics” or something similar. Just because you have a bellend doesn’t mean you need to act like one, huns.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• How to take THE perfect nude: We asked girls for their expert tips
• ‘It feels like punishment’: It’s time to stop charging women £25 for the morning after pill
• We *finally* asked 21 boys confess their biggest dating icks

Featured photo by Unsplash before edits.