41 things at UK universities that would send a Victorian child into a coma

The best trend on TikTok right now is people talking about things that would send a Victorian child into a coma, from Chilli Heatwave Doritos to Crocs. But if a Victorian child was at a UK uni in the year of our lord 2022, which things would they simply not be able to handle? From Elf bars and the concept of pres, to opening a squeaky Chilly’s bottle in a silent library and being stuck speaking to an engineering boy at a house party – here are all the aspects of university life that would probably send a Victorian child into a coma:

1. The amount of MacBook Pros in one lecture theatre

If I sold them all I’d have enough to repay my student loan.

2. And the sound of all the girlies typing manically on them with their acrylics

The loudest sound on earth.

3. An all-girls’ house the day of a night out

Nothing more fun, but pure chaos.

4. The concept of pres

That’s all.

5. A chunder chart

Or god forbid – a shag chart.

6. Tactical chunders

Just please not in the sink!

7. One singular VK

Think of the sugar.

8. A rugby boy

One look and they would combust.

9. The walk home the next morning

Great!

10. An oat milk latte from the campus cafe

Perfect prep for writing 3,000 words during the all-nighter you’re about to pull.

11. The stress of having to wait for TurnItIn to load

There’s literally nothing worse.

12. Having to navigate Blackboard, Moodle or Canvas

It would be easier to break out of prison.

13. Having to find yet another fancy dress outfit for a Wednesday sport’s night social

No, you can’t be a sexy cat for the third time running x

14. And then witnessing a Thursday morning communal post-night out debrief

All in the grottiest housemate’s bed, naturally.

15. Playing Ring of Fire and Never Have I Ever

Or having to try and explain the rules to someone new.

16. A uni hoodie

End of!

17. A food bin in a flat of 12

I don’t even wanna think about it.

18. Trust fund babies

They will insist their dad “doesn’t earn much” – until you find out he’s a retired CEO who basically lives in a castle.

19. The word “rah”

Where’s the siggy ring?

20. Elf bar culture

Blue razz would be it for them.

21. Passive aggressive post-it notes about eating each other’s cheese

“Hi hun, please can you transfer me 7p for the cheese you took? xx”

22. Having a society ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ who would then date their children

It’s just weird okay?

23. Enduring the 24-hour coach trip to a ski trip or society “tour”

One toilet between 50 gross students sounds like a great idea.

24. Being forced to do insane things as part of an initiation

I have no words for some of the horrors I’ve seen.

25. Kebabs

So much grease.

26. Cheesy chips

The combo would simply be too much for a Victorian.

27. Sweet Caroline being played in the SU club

From the DJ who really thinks they’re doing something with their Spotify playlist.

28. A group of 15 boys singing along at once

Incredibly loudly and out of tune, obvs.

29. And they’ll inevitably be banging on the ceiling too, out of time to the beat

Sending shockwaves through the entire campus.

30. Drinking in the shower to save time when you’re late for pres

An Olympic sport.

31. The sound of a Chilly’s bottle squeaking open and closed in a silent library

The only thing worse than listening to this is when it’s your own bottle and you can feel everyone’s glares.

32. Going to Lidl

So much choice, so much chaos.

33. Trying to find something in the middle aisle

I only came in for onions and now I’m leaving with a candle, air frier and a weird book I’ll never open.

34. Being stuck speaking to an engineering student at a house party

Please god have we not suffered enough?

35. Being featured on a confessions page

There’s nothing like the adrenaline rush of your mate tagging you.

36. UCU picket lines

And finding out they’re not actually barricades like in Les Mis.

37. Being featured in Clubbers of the Week

Omg I’m stunner of the week!

38. Any Christmas uni ball

Complete and utter carnage.

39. Specifically a medic’s one

Just read this.

40. A fresher’s lanyard

Why do they insist on wearing them 24/7???

41. Finding out how much a VC’s salary is

So. Fucking. Much.

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