How to trick people into thinking you’re in a relationship

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and the singles of the world are getting ready either to barricade themselves in their bedrooms with a mountain of chocolate or face the sickening displays of PDAs armed with blurry vision from that liquid breakfast.

But this isn’t the only way. Be free in the knowledge tomorrow you can trick the couples of the world that you are one of them and glide through the day without the pitying stares.

The cinema

What could be more normal than going on a date with a real human person? Well, if you’re single and alone, probably most things.

Not to worry though, if you’re in the queue and the person in front of you is isolated, try to stand near them to make it seem like you’re with them. Even if you’re not conversing with each other, the people behind you will assume your relationship is so exhausted and mundane that you have both advanced past talking.

A restaurant

Don’t fancy another microwave meal for one? Book a fancy restaurant at Union Square for two instead. It’s important to make sure you bring a spare coat to drape over the opposite chair so it looks like your partner has gone to the bathroom.

Make sure you don’t nibble the sophisticated meal you’ve ordered for your date at the restaurant, as you’ll need to save room for the feelings you’re going to eat when you get back home.

Public transport

Hate travelling alone? Now you don’t have to. Walk up the bus aisle until you find someone who is in a deep slumber. Carefully sit it next to them without waking them, so it looks like they’re snuggling you as they sleep.

Not only is the number 23 bus that heads away from King Street one of longest routes in the entire city, but you can also make it look as if that person is accompanying you to the hospital for emotional support. Either take a selfie for your Facebook friends or simply enjoy the only warmth of human intimacy you’ll feel for the entire year.

The Bobbin

Meeting up with your significant other at the pub? No. You’re thinking of someone else. Try walking up to a random table, pretend like you know everyone and kiss the nearest person fondly on the cheek, reminiscing heartily about your previous night together.

If you’re lucky, you may have sat a table of English people, so no one will ask you who you are or what you’re doing. If you’re caught out, laugh and pretend to ring your girlfriend or boyfriend, telling them loudly about the hilarious mistake you just made.

The Hub

Ask to sit at the end of someone’s table. Make sure you chuckle at all the jokes people at the table are making, so you can pretend you’re not an introverted sociopath.

Make sure your laugh gets so loud that everyone in the room can see you socialising with your girl and all her friends. If you get bored, look round the table and try to fantasise about the order in which the people there would turn you down.

The Library

Who needs a partner when you have books? Well, everyone, it seems. Walk around each floor, with a worried expression on your face, so it looks like you are searching for your boyfriend or girlfriend.

If you’re a boy make sure you’re holding a handbag to further the illusion. To finish, enter a disabled toilet suspiciously.

ASV

Don’t go to the gym? Of course you don’t, that’s why you’re reading this. Try running or lifting things next to someone and it will look like you’ve accompanied that person to keep them company.

Make sure you’ve picked someone who is significantly weaker than you, so you can completely school them at the end of their workout to make yourself look athletically superior. Make sure you shout in their face to impress all the singletons around you.

Da club

Looking for that special somebody at Underground or Institute? Don’t waste your time, no one wants to talk to you.

Go to the cloakroom and pretend you’re putting away your girlfriend’s coat. After queuing to take the coat back again, immediately re-join the queue and repeat. This will ensure that there’s no time to stop and consider how incredibly futile your life is.

Boots

Buy an unrealistic amount of condoms. I’m talking a whole trolley. Make sure you keep the receipt, so you can return them when the shop quietens down. You can then buy the same condoms the next day when it’s at peak time without losing any money.

The Beach

When embarking on a romantic stroll on the sand, bring a pair of shoes that would fit your partner. Wearing these shoes on your hands, walk down the seafront like a spider, imprinting your partner’s footsteps besides your own. Ideal for sunset-type photographs on Instagram.