Every single struggle you face being a girl with a boy’s name

Life is an everyday struggle being a girl with a boy’s name. You’re constantly justifying your name to everyone and praying no one makes fun of you. You dream of bog-standard girl’s names like Emily, but it’ll always just be a fantasy.

You’re constantly being asked if it’s short for something

“But what’s it short for? It must be short for something.” No it’s not short for anything, stop asking. No one believes it’s your proper name and you start to understand how Obama felt when Trump demanded to see his birth certificate. There’s just no justice.

You definitely got teased at school

At thirteen, the idea of a girl having a boy’s name was as good a grounds for teasing as any. You were teased mercilessly for it and you ended up overcompensating with everything pink and flowery from Claire’s just to prove that you are, in fact, a girl. You spent your school years constantly defending your name, so after years of reciting “well actually it’s a unisex name and I think you’ll find it’s spelt the girl’s way so no, it’s not a boy’s name”, you give in and when people now ask if it’s a boy’s name you just respond with “yeah”.

Pink is for girls

You get mad when girls with normal names complain about it

Your name is Jessica. That is definitely a society-approved girl’s name. No one has ever mistaken you for a boy. Stop moaning.

Your siblings probably have normal names

You were probably the first born and therefore the guinea pig of parenting. Your parents thought it was a great idea at the time, progressive even. But when your siblings came along they realised the mistake they had made and decided on normal names for them. My siblings are called Erin and Harrison. Nice, gender normative names. And I got called Rikki. I’m not bitter.

You have a full story rehearsed to explain everything

Your mum and dad thought a gender neutral name would give you better job prospects, or you were named after a song your mum loved when she was pregnant. It’s never okay to just exist having a boy’s name without giving a full explanation whenever you meet someone new. There is always a need for a full debrief. I was the product of a teen pregnancy. Blame society.

Fml

When ordering a taxi, the driver is always surprised to find a girl

You can’t remember the amount of times you’ve climbed into the back of a cab listening to the driver say “didn’t expect you, thought you’d be a lad”. You automatically launch into the rehearsed story.

Your grandparents definitely tried to make your name sound more girly

Your whole family was appalled by the name when they first found out. Some thought it was a joke on them, you’d argue it was a joke on you. Your grandparents end up trying to alter your name to better suit your pink babygrow. They give you nicknames or add on extra names to make you sound more girly. My grandparents couldn’t handle my name being Rikki, so for the first ten years of my life I was only referred to as Rikki-Ann. It made no difference.

It limits the people you can date

You cannot date anyone with the same name as you. Ever. You’ve spent years training the people around you to see your name as a girl’s name and to date someone with the same name will destroy in minutes what you have spent so long trying to perfect. I will never ever date a guy named Rick. Ever. I don’t care if he’s the supposed love of my life. I’d rather be alone.

People will insist on spelling it wrong even though it’s on your bloody Facebook

The process to find a person on Facebook in order to message them involves typing out their name, so why did you just type “Hey Ricky”? I’m not responding.

The emotional trauma every time Starbucks spells your name wrong

You go in to Starbucks with high hopes, you say your name twice, even three times. You spell it out for them. They’ve made a mistake, that’s okay you correct them. You think you’ve done it. You’ve finally got your name spelt right. And then your order gets called and you read the cup, and suddenly all the emotional trauma of misspelt Christmas cards comes flooding back.

FFS

In fact just every time anyone gets it wrong even though it’s the easiest name to remember

Stop calling me Richard, it’s not funny.