The Tab’s Guide for Holyland Outsiders this Paddy’s

It’s that time of the year again. The time celebrated by tractor owners. By sellers of green, white and gold paint. By shamrock famers, and – most importantly – students.

It’s just unfortunate that it’s dreaded by almost everyone else. Especially full-time residents of the Holylands. Not only do they have the regular students to worry about, but there’s the influx of outsiders who on any other day of the year wouldn’t stand the site of Buckfast, GAA gear, or the soothing tones of The Dubliners. Paddy’s is that wonderfully uniting day which dares even the most sensible student to venture into “The ‘lands”, even just for a peak. It is the highlight of the student calendar after all.

And that’s where we come in, here to offer a guide to all the wee Elm’s freshers, Stranmillis students, Lisburn Road homeowners, and seventh years a bit too eager for the lifestyle that comes with university education. We’re here to make the transition a little bit easier, inviting you to experience Holyland culture, and hopefully teach you how not to make a fool out of yourself.

Scene from last year’s Paddy’s

The where and the when of it all

Firstly, know where the Holylands are. The majority of “festivities” (pretty sure the council would call it otherwise) happens on Rugby Avenue, Agincourt, and all the wee streets in between. Hanging about anywhere else will only annoy full-time residents- which is what no student wants or needs- and you’ll be left wondering why there’s no craic outside accountant couple Dave and Louise’s family house on Rugby Road, thinking of how you should have just stayed at home, watching the floats, tractors, and the bands. If this was The Lion King, just picture anything outside of the sight of the Chinese Market or the Spar the shadowlands. You must not go there.

Everything to sun touches Simba, everything the sun touches

Come early

If you decide to leave the festivities until late you may just be greeted by a ghost town. This is because the majority of Holyland students, like a child on Christmas Eve, are too eager and get into festivities pretty quickly, which results in the Holylands looking a bit like a Jay-Z music video (see below) by seven or eight in the evening. A time where all the wee boys and girls are snuggled up in their mouldy houses, with thoughts of Guinness and kebabs all in their heads.

Dress code

You want to be smart casual, maybe a nice shirt for the fellows and a summer dress for the ladies, accompanied by a pair of one inch heels. Only joking. Seriously. Show up like you’re going to the gym: Your finest O’Neill’s tracksuit, skinny bottoms, and the jersey of your local club. Or any club, really. Oh, and make sure you wear your half zip, it can be a bit chilly if there’s a wind. Fellas, if you can book an appointment to get a skin fade do so now. And grow out whatever facial hair you have. If you’ve done that you’ll look like you’ve been living in the crustiest Carmel Street house for months.

Fig. 1 Holyland male in his natural habitat

Learn how to speak a bit of Culchie

Well horse (or fein, or gassan) how’s she cuttin’? Down that street there’s rulya, bit of a hooley going on, loads of munya beoir. Be careful though, group of county players hanging about, one of them’s clean lit, bit of a cunya fein so he is. Few schnakes too, I thought Saint Patrick got rid of them all. Way to get a gravy chip here from Wellington. Munya!

Hello my friend, how are you getting on? That street is crazy, there is a party, and there are some pretty women at it. Be careful though, there are some county players hanging around, one of them is heavily intoxicated, my friend, and he’s acting mad. There are some sneaky people too. I am going to get a gravy chip from Wellington. Tasty!

To be fair you’ll only meet the odd Armagh fella talking like this. But you’d never know, Paddy’s day is known to bring out the culchie in even the most middle class of Queen’s students, so you may hear the odd “fein” thrown in for effect. If you don’t understand just give out your best “yeo”. Your new friend will most likely join in.

Know the law

You can be booked if you are seen drinking on the street, or if you have an open container. So be careful. Don’t be fighting and be nice to the council folk and police. They’re actually sound if you don’t act up. There’s nothing worse than tension on the street. If you want the party to be at its best obey the law, have a good time, and don’t cause bother. Don’t go ruining the party for everyone else.

And know your flags

If I wasn’t a local I would have thought that half the Holylands were celebrating the Ivory Coast. The West African country is great and all but the Irish flag is green, white and orange. Just keep it in mind.

So that’s that really. Show up and have a good time, don’t be going too wild and make sure you’ve lined your stomach well, brought a coat like your mummy told you to, and learned at least two versus of The Rattlin’ Bog. Someone will try singing it at some stage or another.

And if you do go a bit wild, be sound and try not to get caught acting the Jimmy Nesbitt on camera.