Shit Valentine’s

For Him- Gentleman’s Willy care kit

Men, for all your genital-grooming needs, look no further

Apart from the inherent insult implied with this gift, you must consider the fact that I doubt there is man in the world that would appreciate the teeny-tiny viewing mirror and silver Willy medallion.

£9.99- Gettingpersonal.com

Personalised card – Sexy name tattoo

Of course, you may need a card to go with this well-thought-out gift so why not choose one that is completely devoid of any kind of romance? After deciding whose name (yours or his?) should be printed onto a stranger’s body in the form of a tramp-stamp, you then get to send the picture of this scantily clad female to your own partner.

we treated ourselves to this special Tab-tat

£1.99-£5.99 from Gettingpersonal.com

For Couples-His and Her Horny Hooks (with big suckers)

Where would we be without Poundland this V-day?

You can pretty much guarantee that no one will be feeling horny after they are force to consider the fundamentally awful idea of genitalia acting as hooks.

£1.00 from Poundland

Ceramic Egg Cups

Nothing says ‘come hither’ quite like an egg cup

Forget roses and chocolate…

£7.50 from M&S

For Her- Valentines Performing pig

Woo the ladies with this creepy talking pig

This pig, should you be silly enough to press its arm, will shake it’s creepy little head and serenade you loudly and frustratingly with its rendition of Sonny and Cher’s ‘I got you babe’ no matter how frantically you work to try and make it stop.

£8.50, Tesco

Sexy Pinball

This ought to hot things up in the bedroom

Like pinball but sexier… apparently.

99p- the 99p shop.

If you want to piss off, thoroughly disappoint or repel your Valentine this week, we suggest getting one of the above.