Fresher’s Flu sweeps across campus

Freshers are dropping like flies after staying up past their bedtime and drinking more than two Smirnoff Ices.

The flu has struck; an evil demon with the sole intent of teaching freshers that the tin of shortbread your mum made you to break ice with your new flatmates isn’t meant to keep you alive for two weeks.

My flatmate, a victim of FF. I can’t remember what his face looks like.

The dreaded Fresher’s Flu dates to 2001 but it’s getting worse, affecting around 90% of freshers.

Coughing fits have increased this week by 95%, with lecturers ordering students to get it all out their system before class continues.

Even if you don’t booze, being sociable and shaking hands with students from different courses and halls will also mess with you.

Don’t touch each other.

Hallowed and mystical artefacts such as vegetables will speed your recovery and, at worst, you could probably spend a night in under the duvet.

Work stress will make the flu worse, so it is highly advisable to take a few days off from doing any studying.

Carla, a first year medic, claims “in my lectures it’s just non-stop coughing.”

For first years like Mohammed, studying Law, it’s “death by flu.”

The bulk of second and third years have managed to avoid the illness- probably because those who reside in Smelly Oak are now immune from every disease going.