A defensive guide for fresh meat

Although the rest of us may only be a few years older (or actually three or four or five) than any incoming freshers, the concept of ‘fuck a fresher’ is very creepy.  

As you get your first hazy taste of student night life, be aware that there are predators lurking. They are waiting expectantly in the shadows of Fab and Gatecrasher, ready to pounce on the new delivery of fresh meat.

So, here’s how to avoid them:

1. “Did I mention I have vaginal warts?” Mention your fictitious STD at every opportunity. This will work best when complemented with seemingly uncontrollable scratching. “Are you a medic? Because I have this nasty looking rash…”

2. Pretend to be an international student with very poor English. My language of choice is Dutch. “Ga weg, ga weg!” Take a defensive stance and repeat until predator retreats. (Note: this may not work if said predator is Dutch).

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU, PLEASE GO AWAY”

3. Whip out your most spectacular dance moves. The more enthusiastic, the better. This will be less effective in Rewind or Reflex, where the oldies love a good boogie.

Throw some shapes

4. ‘Accidentally’ drop your super jumbo tampons whilst complaining about your “wide set vagina and heavy flow”. If said predator is not deterred, mention the awful diarrhea that always accompanies your time of the month.

Predators may fear tampons, use it as a weapon

5. Talk about your strong Christian (or otherwise) faith and your firm belief in no sex before marriage. Keep a purity ring in your clutch for added authenticity. There is no need to feel guilty about accepting free drinks. Remember, you owe nothing in return.

“Did I mention I’m a devout nun?”

6. It’s true, there’s strength in numbers so stay with your wolf pack. Get your friends to form a protective ring around you.

If, however, you plan to prey on a heavily intoxicated fresher, remember this advice: “consent is setting the bar too low, aim for enthusiasm.”