Your vagina doesn’t care about charity

If I say “January”, what do you think of? A new year full of hope, post-Christmas bankruptcy, hairy vaginas? That’s right, hairy vaginas. The new Movember copycat craze is apparently, Fanuary. This means pretty much what it sounds, not pruning the bush. Letting the beaver run wild. Fluffing the muff. And if that isn’t to your taste, there is also Vajanuary – yep, glitter on your fanny, and Decembeard.

I shouldn’t need a trolley and two of my mates to burrow through your bush

Movember is one thing. But Movember, and Decembeard and Fanuary? Just admit you hate shaving. I know heating bills are a rip off but this can’t be the solution. That’s why God invented the onesie. I mean, what’s next? Ape-ril where you grow out all your body hair, live on a swing set and throw your faeces at people? What with Fanuary being so popular I can’t wait for Cocktober.

I love charity. Everyone does. But there’s a difference between giving to charity and growing hair. I know loads of people that grew mos for Movember, and not one of them gave a penny to the charity behind it. And don’t come at me saying they’re raising awareness. When I see a guy wandering around with a half grown, patchy moustache is doesn’t make me think “I must give to charity”. It makes me think, “Shit, Colonel Sanders has alopecia”.

Does this make you want to donate?

And how many people see your vagina that it’s considered a viable way of raising awareness? I mean, it’d be different if you were Britney Spears; she could sell advertising space there.

This is the problem when charity becomes fashion. People don’t associate Movember with giving money anymore. That’s because those who really passionately believe in the cause are surrounded by hundreds of Ned Flanders lookalikes, who are doing it because it’s the thing to do. The whole street looks like a 70s porn set, and people forgot what the point of it was supposed to be. If you grow a moustache for Movember and don’t give any money to charity, you aren’t raising awareness, you’re just kinda showing off.

When I show off it isn’t for under the guise of a good cause. It’s because FUCK YOU I’M DOING A HANDSTAND ON A FUCKING MOUNTAIN

It’s the same thing that happened with Kony 2012. I was as shocked as anyone there were so many child soldiers. I mean, I’m 20 and I can’t even get a fucking internship. We shared the link and watched the video. But only because everyone else did. And guess what? He’s still out there, surrounded by more kids than a Catholic Priest in his wet dreams.

Hijacking a charity because it’s trendy, or because your tache goes well with the Yak wool jumper you bought from Urban Outfitters isn’t cool. And nor is that uneven, wispy stain that looks like someone started shitting on your upper lip and then got bored. Let’s be honest. Unless you have Sean Connery’s ability to sprout hair, your moustache is going to be as thin as Kate Moss.

And isn’t there a nasty irony in raising awareness for cancer sufferers by showing off how much hair you can grow?

So, if you are one of the people who grows their facial hair in November, or January, or whenever, because it’s a fad just remember, no one can see your lustrous handlebar moustache if your head is up your ass.

Below are the links to all of the charities mentioned in this article, in case you want to donate.

Click here for Movember

Here for Decembeard

Here for Fanuary

And here for Cocktober: Oops, this doesn’t exist. Sorry.