Winter Olympic sports you can play around Campus

What with the Russian Government continuing to kill dogs in their thousands and oppress the rights of homosexuals, many have decided to boycott watching the Winter Olympics in Sochi. But don’t worry. You can protest the Russian Government and still enjoy the sports, by having your very own Winter Olympics, campus style. Here are just a few of the sports you could try:

Staircase Skeleton

As is traditional our Campus Winter Olympics start with the Staircase Skeleton. All the rounds of this have to be put together at the beginning because people who routinely throw themselves down flights of stairs tend not to live very long. As well it gets it out of the way early. You don’t want the sort of people this sport attracts hanging around sticking their fingers in sockets and necnominating each other

Where: Bramall Music Stairs

You will need: Medical Help

Ice Hockey Fighting

There may not be enough sticks pucks and ice for everyone to play Ice Hockey, but you can do the most important part and beat the shit out of someone. Ice Hockey thrives on violence. I once watched a game, witch is an hour long, that had 16 minutes of fights just involving the Goalkeepers. This is made even more metal by the fact that we don’t have any pads. Pads are for girls (mandatory period joke). So get punching, and remember: as a wise old man once said “Having all your teeth is for pussies”

Where: Fab Underground

You will need: 1. Beer
2. An unexplained die hard love for an Ice Hockey Team.
3. Beer.
4. An unexplained hatred of the team the person nearest you supports.
5. Beer.

Slumming

New to Sochi, take part in the sport played by journalists and athletes alike. Apparently, no one told the Russians they were hosting the Winter Olympics until last Tuesday. This has led to half build hotels and water that looks more full of piss than Katie Hopkins.

But why leave that fun to those lucky enough to be staying in Sochi. Slumming is easy. Just find the shittest corner of the most derelict building you can and stay there. For two weeks. Without drinking water.

It’s okay. I was in Maple Bank, I’m used to it

Where: Under Uni Centre

You will need: A Tetanus shot

Shagging

During the Winter Olympics 100,000 condoms will be given out to the athletes, who apparently don’t get enough exercise during the day. At least the losers will have some souvenirs to take home. But what about your average? Are you going to be beaten by the Slovakian Curling team? Get out there drain yourself.

Solid library sesh. If you know what I mean 😉

Where: The Library

You will need: 1. Condoms
2. No Shame.

Biathlon

It’s simple, all you have to do is wander around campus with a gun and… actually don’t do this.

Where: DON’T.

You will need: I SAID DON’T, JUST DROP IT ALRIGHT?!?!

Photoshop

The Winter Olympic Opening ceremony had a bit of trouble at the climax (mandatory sex joke). Basically, 5 small circles were supposed expand into the 5 Olympic rings. It seems weird that such a homophobic country would want to watch small circles being expanded but whatever. One of the circles didn’t expand and people were shocked. Unless they were anywhere in Russia except Sochi because the Russian TV stations just doctored the image so that it did expand.

And now you can get in on that  fun too! Just take photos and liven them up with whatever you want. The more people you can trick the better. Bonus points for covering up government failures or corruptions.

Where: Somewhere pretty

You will need: 1. A camera
2. Photoshop (Obviously)

Dogging… er… I mean Dog Rescue

What with so many house being destroyed for Olympic Stadium, abandoned dogs litter the streets of Sochi. The Russian response, kill them. This decision is part of the Russian Government’s easy to follow guide to solving problems:

1. Can I compress it into Vodka? If yes, brilliant. If no, use step 2

2. Kill it.

The Humane Society estimate about 6,000 dogs have already been killed. Some cats too but, you know, fuck cats.

Now you can bring the same intensity to campus. Rush around campus trying to find the dogs before Putin does. You’d better be quick, or that white terrier you sometime see is toast.

Where: Campus

You will need: 1. Dog treats
2. Knife and fork (if you don’t get there in time)

Hallway Curling

It’s like ice curling but far less convenient for people trying to get places.

Where: Long crowded Hallways

You will need: 1. Some curling stuff
2. The Desire to actually do Curling
3. To be able to outrun Security Guards

Civil Rights

Stick it to that mean Russian government by not discriminating against people based on their sexuality (or creed, race, gender etc but I bring up sexuality because of Russia). It’s easy, you just have to stop caring about where people bury their dick. Really, it’s that easy. If anything it’s actually easy than caring.

Look, this LGBTQ banner fell down and I picked it up… I’m practically Harvey Milk

Where: Anywhere

You will need: 1. Sympathy for your common man
2. That’s it.

Figure Skating

Figure staking is… oh sod it. I’m not going to repeat myself, if you want to know the history of figure skating just reread the bit about supporting gays.