Fab-ulous farewell: Birmingham’s favourite student night suspended after students ‘caught shagging in the Underground’

Fab n Fresh, the university’s flagship student night out, has been suspended indefinitely as Guild of Students staff investigate claims that two students were engaging in sexual intercourse in The Underground.*

Except this time..we’re all crying.

Though the investigation and its party-pooping consequences have been kept tightly under…ground, many students who have caught wind of the escapade have reacted in horror and shock, both at the act itself and the actions taken by the Guild.

The events that led to Fab’s likely permanent demise are unclear. Various sources have come forward saying the illicit act happened in a variety of places ranging from the columns near the toilets to the toilets themselves.

Several even said it happened on the VIP tables, with the two responsible awkwardly bending their bodies around the curved seats.

We tried to find the team that would normally publicise the Guild’s statements on this sort of matter, only to find them wailing in a corner in the Mandela room.

“I can’t…it’s just too much. I just…I guess we’re all just surfing an emotional wave when we get in there you know man?” sobbed one student we caught sitting outside the guild. He hadn’t even touched his gently steam southern fried strips. “I guess we just all assume we can stop ourselves having a shag in Fab so its never going to happen but I guess…it just gets too much for some. Christ I can’t believe it.

We managed to get the scoop off one of the Joes bar staff the next day. “Saturday morning is usually a quiet one but today it’s been heaving.

“But nobody’s ordering drinks, everyone’s just vacantly leaning on the bar looking at the DJ booth wall, just praying those shutters open.”

Come closing time on Saturday, one poor soul was even absently tapping on the pool table. “Nobody’s coming to clear this away are they?”

Farewell…beautifully but oh so questionably wet floors.

A medic, who had managed to make it to Fab for the first time all year, told us his version of events. “I could hear this sort of moaning it was quite like rhythmic and like regular so I thought it was part of the song and I started getting my jam on y’know?

“Then I saw this like naked guy turned away from me making this back and forwards motion.

“I hadn’t been to Fab in a while y’know to I thought like this was y’know just the way it flowed. Like that motorbike courier that goes to Players every Tuesday, I thought it was just part of the package.”

Another protest banner? Tissues? The last ever roll of Fab tickets? We’ll never know.

The shock was not uniform however. One student quipped “There’s always shagging on the underground it just depends what line you’re on.”

Many students have remarked that given the number of people that go home and have sex after Fab, having sex during Fab is simply more efficient and allows for a good night and the possibility of a full sleep-cycle.

I wonder how many young loves you could fit out here?

“So what? I do the deed with people in Fab all the time, it’s no big deal.” said one third-year.

“My flatmate ran a weekly Krav Maga session in Underground during Fab. See? You can get away with a lot.”

Management at Gatecrasher were keen to capitalise on the opportunity the closing down of Fab provided. “When things kick off again when the students come back after Easter, we’ll increase our official capacity.

“We reckon the venue could easily take the couple of hundred extra.”

*Gotcha, check the date guys…