How to approach girls in the club

When you’re letting your hair down in a club, the last thing you want is a queue of creeps lining up to drop the cheesiest lines on offer.

It’s not only bad for us, the last thing a boy wants is to be laughed at for his endeavours.

After hearing a lot of guys questioning where they’re going wrong, and girls complaining about male etiquette, it’s time to set the record straight once and for all.

Here are the do’s and don’ts. Pay attention:

Do:

Offer to buy her a drink

Everybody has heard the term “diamonds are a girls best friend’, well when the night descends it’s drinks not diamonds which set you up to score.

Unfortunately for you guys, this one pretty much works every time and in every club.

And don’t try offering a drink and then pretending you don’t have enough money. We know the drill, naaaat cool.

Thumbs up for you Grandpa

Compliment her

If you have even a shred of common sense about you, you’ll know girls are sold in an instant with a good compliment.

Even if some of the finer females among us do maintain their appearance throughout the night, the reality is most of us descend into a ghastly drunken mess.

Regardless of whether we look a state or the business, if you play your cards right and drop the right flattering line, you’re likely to be in luck.

‘Your face looks so good I want to lick it’ – does not wash

Play it cool

From experience, this is one of the hardest things for guys to be in a club. And NO, staring at the boobs does not count as being friendly, nor does chatting about how fit her friend is.

Just be normal, and talk to the face, it helps a lot.

Not cool

Make her laugh

But not out of pity. For some of you lucky guys out there humour and charm just roll off the tongue (or at least you think it does). Use it.

However, if you’re not naturally blessed with the gift of the gab maybe avoid trying too hard on the joke front.

No-one wants to hear a knock knock joke in the middle of Snobs when you could be passionately singing along to The Smiths.

Ah the public romper – always a pleaser

The takeaway trick

It’s the end of the night, obviously as a male you’re only hungry for one thing. We females on the other hand, food is our priority.

Offer to take her to Pit Stop, Roosters, wherever you’re based. It may not seem romantic, but the only real way to a girl’s “heart” is through a good portion of cheesy chips (don’t try and deny it girls).

Fed then bed 

Don’t:

Ask if her friend is single

Believe it or not, asking a girl if her friend “fancies it” isn’t doing you any favours.

First of all her friend doesn’t fancy it, and even if she did, do you really think you’re going to get “yeh course, my friend would love a shag, jump straight in?”

Learn the rule very quickly- women are extremely protective.

What’s more, any chance you had of pulling just got binned when you looked right over her. This tactic only leads to immediate rejection.

This is what rejection looks like – not pretty

‘Fancy a shag?’

While unbelievably, some females are in fact up for it, playing the penis card before introduction suggests you’ve either got issues, or you’re just a raging pervert.

If it’s the only game you can bring to the party, find a brothel.

‘Ask me that question one more time son, I dare you..’

Squeeze ass and smile

While some among us do have the rump on show, it doesn’t give you permission to grab it.

Not only is it creepy, but the cheesy smiles scream “I am a predator”.

Just avoid the ass grabbing and creepy, cheesy smiles altogether. Yes we noticed you the first time, and yes, we are definitely ignoring you.

The smile

Sausage circling

It’s hard to understand men.

Do they really believe girls think “I wasn’t going to get with any of you in the first place, but wait now you’ve encircled us with a ring of sweaty bodies and no escape, I’m seeing you in a completely different light”?

It is the worst strategy, we can spot your little wolf pack a mile off.

Trapping us in the middle of a sausage circle won’t reward your efforts, so don’t waste your time.

‘I thought you said this was acceptable?’

Shit chat-up lines

Without doubt the cringiest of the bunch, and unfortunately the one that has the widest circulation.

“I’m a fire lighter, I find them hot and leave them wet”= all out sex pest

Two guys once approached my friends in Mechu by pouring the remains of their drinks on the floor and saying “Well, now the ice is broken…”

Please, spare yourself the embarrassment.

Why is a normal introduction is so hard? Why do you endeavour to make yourself look a complete dick?

I give up

Good luck guys –  girls are complex creatures, we don’t know how you do it.