How to have a romantic Valentine’s Day (for one)

Okay, I’m in a relationship now. But for 17 long years I wasn’t. And I know it can be tough.

Yeah, people in relationships bitch about having to buy stuff but they still have it easier.

Single people spend the whole of Valentine’s Day being constantly reminded of how happy everyone else is. And that fucking sucks.

Screw you happy people

Well, don’t worry. I’ve drawn on my own experience of being single (“single” might be a flattering way of saying “too ugly to fuck”) to provide this guide on how to spend V Day:

Morning

11:00AM – Wake up ready for breakfast in bed.

11:01-11:10 – Slowly realise there’s no one to cook breakfast in bed for you.

11:11 – Reluctantly dress, go downstairs and start cooking bacon

11:12 – Stand around in your freezing kitchen because your bacon takes 15 FUCKING MINUTES to cook properly.

11:27 – OH MY GOD JUST COOK ALREADY

11:28 – Return to bed. Attempt to convince self that sitting in bed fully dressed, having already been out of bed, doesn’t completely miss the point of breakfast in bed.

11:29 – Fail to convince self.

11:30 – Gently weep.

Hey, I can put my breakfast tea AND my tears in here

Midday

12:00 – Check Tinder account for matches.

12:01- Refuse to believe you have no matches

12:02 – Ensure Tinder radius is on maximum

12:03 – Ensure Wifi is working

12:04 – Check Tinder account for matches

12:05 – Assume Tinder is broken

12:09 – Gently weep

Afternoon

4:30 – Visit ALDI

4:36 – Buy a meal for two

4:40 – Loudly ask passer-bys if this if enough food for you AND the hot date you definitely have this evening

50% missing. Like my heart… or something

4:50 – Hear till operator casually ask how you are

4:51 – Detail every romantic problem you have. Include all your opinions on love and relationships

5:01 – Ignore signs of discomfort from till operator

5:05 – Wonder why security guard is escorting you out

5:06 – Tell the security guard about every romantic problem you have.

Late Afternoon

5:30 – Begrudgingly return home

5:32 – Check Match.com account

5:34 – Check EHarmony account

5:35 – Check OKCupid account

5:36 – Assume all these dating sites are broken at once

5:37 – Begin to question this logic

5:38 – Immediately distract self by watching 4 episodes of The Deadliest Catch

It’s the websites, even the teddy bears agree

Evening

7:45 – Cook (microwave) your meal for two

8:15 – Serve up the meal on two plates

It’s normal!

8:16 – Ignore judgemental looks from housemates

8:17 – Get in heated debate with housemate over whether or not it’s weird for one person to eat a meal off two plates

8:18 – No Hannah, I don’t think it’s weird

8:19 – Well when you and your boyfriend eat together you use a                                   total of two plates. What’s the difference.

8:19 – Well, I think you need to speak to someone

Night

8:00 – Skim Netflix for something to watch, dying a little inside every time you see a RomCom.

8:02 – Remind self that not having a partner means you don’t have to watch any soppy films.

8:03 – Attempt to convince self this is well worth not having sex/companionship/someone to confide in.

8:04 – Fail to convince self

8:05 – Openly weep while watching The Expendables

So that’s my guide on how to spend Valentine’s Day if you’re single.

Or you could just masturbate all day. In fact yeah, do that.