There’s no ‘proper’ way to make tea – it always tastes the same

I have at least two cups of tea every single day and I can honestly say I never give a shit what methods I use to make it as long as it tastes good.

I recently made the mistake of saying this aloud in front of a big group of people and received a tremendous onslaught of hate for it. The thrust of the response seemed to be: “No way, you have to put the milk in after you’ve taken the tea bag out, otherwise you can’t judge how strong it is!” I’d like to think that I consider the more valuable things in life rather than the exact mechanisms I use to carefully craft my mug of tea. No one can say they make their tea taste the exact same with every cup, so stop with this shit. Bash it out in a couple of minutes (or a bit longer if you have a really old kettle) and move on with the day.

I really like to mix and match personally. Sometimes I’ll put the milk in first, after the water of course, stir it a bit, add the sugar last so it’s at the very top, and finally strain the tea bag out. Other times I enjoy to put the sugar in first on the dry tea bag, then the water and wait for a while before I strain the tea bag and put the milk in last. Another way I like to do it: water, milk, sugar and tea bag out last.

Bored yet? I certainly am. There’s no need whatsoever to make tea with a perfect set procedure for every single cup. You’re wasting valuable and precious time in your life. Tea always tastes the same to me anyway, so no matter what way I make it, life is always good.

How long is this taking?

My dad recently stood next to me and peered over my shoulder when I was rushing to make my morning cup, like some sort of eagle. As soon as I poured the milk in when the tea bag was still floating, he screamed “no” down my ear hole. “You’re doing it all wrong Danny. You won’t know the strength of your tea unless you take the tea bag out first. Then you can gradually add the milk to get the right colour.” ALL TEA LOOKS THE SAME DAD.

I am aware that by making these declarations I am probably insulting 90 per cent of the population – the other 10 per cent being people who don’t drink tea at all. But I really don’t care. Something needs to be said about this fiasco. I will continue to make my tea exactly the way it should be made – with no care at all as long as it contains all of the conventional ingredients.

I put the sugar in last and it tastes dank.

You can either take my advice, or carry on wasting valuable minutes of your life worrying how the taste of your tea will determine whether you have a good day or not.