Sorry to break this to you, but some of the places you go for a post-night out bite to eat aren’t exactly the most hygienic places in the world.

Thanks to the Food Standards Agency website, I tracked down some of Leeds’ dirtiest takeaways.

Then, naturally, I decided to eat there. Sober. Across two days I subjected myself to food from some of the city’s worst-rated eateries.

The FSA give every place a score out of 5, 0 being “Urgent improvement necessary”, 1 being “Major improvement necessary” and 2 being plain old “Improvement necessary”. Turns out there are quite a few low scorers in and around the Hyde Park area.

Royal Fish Bar: Hygiene Rating 0/5

I started my “carb crawl” with a lunchtime visit to Royal Fish Bar on Raglan Road. What is “royal” about it is unclear, but there was a queue snaking out the door by the time I arrived.

Okay so it didn’t look exactly five star, but it didn’t seem too horrific when I looked over the counter into the kitchen. Plumping for “Meal Deal 1” (2 pieces of chicken, chips and a Pepsi), I parted with a princely (geddit?) two pounds.

It wasn’t great to be honest. The chips in particular were a disappointment, but crucially, they were cooked and didn’t contain any obvious signs of contamination.

Eat at Royals and you’re guaranteed to be on the throne

Did I die? No.

Simpsons Pizza: Hygiene Rating 1/5

Is it called Simpsons Pizza because they want to be associated with the beloved cartoon, or is it because their food will turn your skin yellow?

Either way, Simpsons does divide opinion. Some absolutely swear by it, others would rather eat gravel. Again, it’s a cheap dinner at £3.50 for any 11” pizza, but there’s a reason you’ve only been here when drunk.

It’s probably much better  to pay a little extra and go to Milano’s (which the FSA give 4/5). Or you could have a salad.

They used nice d’oh

Did I die? No.

Luckys: Hygiene Rating 2/5

It’s not a great sign that three of the worst rated takeaways in Leeds are all located on the same road, but in this case the hygiene ratings can fuck off. I absolutely love Luckys.

Their big slice of Pizza for a quid become a staple part of my diet for much of second year. Seeing that their rating was a more respectable two out of five, I had every confidence that another slice wouldn’t make me ill.

Lucky me

It was so nice it made me happy Oxford rejected me.

Did I die? No, but there are worse ways to go.

Charlie Chan’s: Hygiene rating 0/5

This was the one I was sure would kill me. I must say I was unfamiliar with Charlie Chan’s beforehand, but I couldn’t turn down the opportunity to spend over £12 on stuff from a place with a zero rating.

For a place that supposedly needed ‘urgent improvement’, there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it at all. Have all these takeaways cleaned up their act since their inspections?

Bring it.

Did I die? No.

Zulfi’s: Hygiene Rating: 1/5

Last year you, students of Leeds, voted this establishment as the city’s finest takeaway, and yet the FSA have absolutely slammed it.

If this odyssey of heart-clogging discovery has taught me anything though, it’s that you should never listen to what inspections say. Everywhere is probably fine. So a kebab was ordered.

Prima Doner

Did I die? No. Unless it’s possible to die of shame.

After two days of gorging on this cheap, occasionally nice, but officially unclean food, I don’t feel great. Not in a ‘get a nice hearse booked’ kind of way, more a sort of ‘I’ve been eating junk food for two days’ feeling.

I’ve looked death square in the eye and asked him for some Garlic Mayo.

So now you know which takeaways are the ones that didn’t do well when the men in lab coats came knocking. I wouldn’t presume to tell you not to eat there, but don’t say you weren’t warned.