How to pretend you’ve started revising

You should be revising right now, but you’re not. As the oncoming shitstorm of exam season approaches, the amount of time you spend procrastinating will begin to worry you.

You could hit the books and revise properly, but nobody actually wants to do that. All you need to do is convince yourself you’re on track for academic success, even if you’re not.

Just look at the nonsense you’re going to have to learn for your exams this month, there’s no way they can expect any sane person to give a toss, is there?

Fear not. In a few easy steps, you can enter a state of delusion that will see you relax and enjoy the remaining few weeks of term. Apart from exam day, obviously. You’ll be screwed then.

Look the part

Get a handful of books, raid Essentials for quite frankly inessential revision materials, open a notebook and revel in just how organised you are. Someone truly committed to the lie may even venture into a Ryman’s and spend hours deciding which flashcards reflect their personality. Remember, nobody actually NEEDS half the stuff WHSmith try to sell you, but owning the right kit goes a long way to helping the delusion.

Look at you, with ten different highlighter colours and your special revision folder already divided into sections, you’re some sort of revision GOD. What’s that, you’ve printed off a colour co-ordinated revision schedule? Excuse me while I undress.

Aye, you’ll be needing that vodka

It’s important to have the bare minimum down on paper before the lie can begin. Write out the names of topics vaguely relating to your course and scan through the Wikipedia articles on those.Then it’s back to doing nothing at all.

Use social media to annoy your friends

Everyone knows that 20 per cent of revision is bitching about revision, so keep up the façade by generally being a prick about it on the Internet. A selfie of you looking sad in the library might get you some sympathy likes, and maybe even a “Keep going baby xxx” comment from your mum.

On Twitter, the hashtags #FML #FuckRevision and #BringOnTheSummer will surely convince the outside world (or your 37 followers) that your life is seeping into an unending blankness from which there is no escape.

If you go out, post how whatever you’re doing is a “revision break”, possibly even a “cheeky” one. There’s absolutely no way people will think you’re a dick.

Use human interaction to annoy your friends

When the dreaded question of how much revision you’ve done comes, just lie and say you’ve “basically been living in Eddy B”. Not only will this help in your self-delusion, but it’ll make your friends feel completely crap about their own efforts. But always insist you “still don’t think you’ve done enough”, which will actually be true, because you’ve done shit all.

To be fair, this guy did basically live in Eddy B

Should you find yourself in a situation where your coursemates are actually discussing the subject matter, offer a few encouraging noises. They don’t need to know your thoughts on The Barbarian Invasions, just nod along with whatever they’re saying and you’ve got the added bonus of maybe learning something from them.

Become an absolute mess

It’s of paramount importance that you get the look right. Don’t shave, shower, brush your hair or put on any nice clothes – you’re obviously too busy revising to care about looking decent or basic hygiene. It’s a sign to those around you, and more importantly yourself, that you’re too busy sticking to your beautifully designed schedule to worry about anything else.

Order dirty takeaways and try not to get fresh air that often. It’s a form of method acting. I recommend binging on Louis Theroux documentaries on Netflix, at least they’re educational.

Drink too. For a few blissful hours, getting squiffy will help you avoid the truth of your impending exam meltdown.

Good luck guys.