What it’s like to live with anxiety as a boy

Almost all people will have felt anxious at some point. It’s the flight or fight feeling you get in the pit of your stomach before you make that speech; take that exam; before you make the first move. Physically, you can feel your heart pump in your chest, you breathe heavier and your palms get sweaty as the adrenalin surges. Mentally, you feel tense, nervous and have a sense of dread. For most people this feeling will pass once you’re out of the situation, but not if you suffer from an anxiety disorder.

Mental health is a big issue in the UK, with universities being no exception. It’s estimated over 150,000 students identify as having a mental illness. Talking about your feelings can be difficult especially if you’re a boy, but with suicide the biggest killer in men under 40, it’s time to open up about how you’re feeling and get help.

Unless you’re very close to me you wouldn’t even know I have an anxiety disorder. Every day I wake up, I take my medication, I get ready and paint on my external persona ready to face the world. But how I’m feeling inside is probably much different from how I’m perceived on the outside.  Those that know me would probably describe me as confident, outgoing and extrovert, but that’s only because I refuse to let my anxiety control my life.

Prior to being diagnosed, I was having a pretty rough time. I was drinking heavily every day. I’d finish work and go to the pub, grab a burger on the way home, get in and go to bed. It was the same day-in and day-out. I was drinking to help me feel better, I didn’t know what about but I knew I just didn’t feel myself. My heavy drinking was affecting my health. I was gaining weight and I’d stopped exercising which was effecting my self-esteem and, on top of all of this, I couldn’t get it up. Couple this with insomnia and 20 cigs a day and I’d pretty much hit rock bottom. I felt physically and mentally drained. It was at this point I decided to get help and booked an appointment with my doctor.

I was diagnosed with anxiety about five years ago and began to take regular medication to help support my body in dealing with it. Let’s be clear from the start, they aren’t “happy pills”. The medication I take is part of a family known as SSRI, selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, which help by increasing serotonin in the brain. While they help keep it in check, it’s not a magical cure and when I’m experiencing a bad episode it feels like they aren’t doing anything at all.

One of the hardest parts of dealing with a long term anxiety disorder is that it can cause some pretty intrusive thoughts. I think about suicide a lot, in fact you could say that it is an obsessive thought. This can be pretty frightening, especially when you start to think about how you’d do it, would you leave a letter and how people would react. But, you have to remind yourself it’s your anxiety that is creating these thoughts, making you feel this way and that it will pass.

Over the years, I developed a number of coping strategies to help me deal with the symptoms of my anxiety and to help keep myself feeling mentally well. One of the most important of those strategies is exercise. Exercise releases endorphins and serotonin which are great for your mood, sex drive and for your body. After a good work out I feel great and whether that’s a game of squash or a walk around the park, it really doesn’t matter. I’ve also developed a good sleeping pattern by following some tips the doctor gave me when I was first suffering from insomnia. I only sleep and have sex in bed, that’s it. I don’t watch TV in bed, or read, or listen to music, I don’t use my laptop and I try not to use my phone either. If you only associate your bed with sleep or sex then your mind will realise when you go to bed, it’s either in for a good time or, more importantly, a good night’s sleep.

It’s five years since I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and at times it’s been a real uphill battle, and at times it still continues to be. It does get better though. Open up about how you feel with a loved one or medical professional and get the help you need. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I received some great support from my university when I first started, so reach out to your student mental health team – especially if you feel suicidal or like self harming. Finally, as a good friend once told me, “be kind to yourself”. Life is tough and comes with all sorts of challenges, it won’t always be easy so be kind to yourself, you’re probably doing better than you think.