Can we all stop pretending to like Elf, it’s the worst Christmas film ever

In a move that may well turn me into the love child of Grinch and Scrooge in most people’s eyes, I’m offering up my two cents on Elf, arguably the world’s best-loved Christmas film.

I hate it. Actually, I more than hate it. I loathe it.

But before you all come flying at me in a violent, festive mob, candy canes sharpened into spiky weapons of Christmas cheer, hear me out. I hate Elf, and here’s why you should too.

First off, it’s downright annoying. Take Will Ferrell out of the elf costume, and you’re left with a permed man-child who eats maple syrup on spaghetti for breakfast, screws up important business meetings, and ruins shopping centre Santas for all the children by pulling off their beards. Imagine knowing someone like that – you’d literally try and keep them as far away from your life as possible in fear of them ruining your life. Then, imagine that person just told you you’re their dad – you’d run home and lock your doors.

Secondly, surely Father Christmas, Santa, Jolly Old Saint Nick, who knows every child and where they live, could have returned Buddy to his real parents as a baby, rather than keeping him in the North Pole, where he constantly feels different and out of place as a giant in a world of elves. Bit harsh eh?

But it gets worse. Newhart the elf then goes on to tell Buddy about his real parents, where his dad works, and then pulls out a photo of them to really rub salt in the wound. They knew all along where his parents were, and never thought to tell him he’s adopted, and now it’s getting a bit dark for children’s film. Dick move, Elves.

Thirdly – and this is the bit that really grates on me – HE LITERALLY CREEPS INTO THE WORK SHOWERS AND ZOE DESCHANEL STILL GOES OUT WITH HIM. Seriously, if someone did that to you at work, you’d have complained to HR and they’d be out on their ear sooner than you could say’ ‘Merry Christmas’. People (rightly) think the best friend out of Love Actually is creepy, but at least he’s got the decency to lurk outside Kiera Knightly’s house rather than inside her bathroom.

All in all, it makes me cringe more than I ever thought possible in an hour and half, and not in a good, Peep Show-esque way; in more of an oh-God-turn-it-off kind of way. Perhaps it’s because I never watched it as a child, and my first experience of Buddy the elf was as a teenager. Perhaps it’s because there are so many Christmas films out there that are better in every way. Or, perhaps it’s just because Buddy is an inherently irritating character and there’s nothing that can be done to change that (sorry, Will Ferrell, but you’re better than this).

I love Christmas as much as the next person, but Elf should just go back to the sickly sweet place it came from and stay there, leaving us all to get slowly drunk on red wine watching literally anything else, even that weirdly hypnotic sleigh ride programme the BBC made, whilst eating all the good Quality Streets. Merry Christmas.