Varsity: Meet the Team
Whether you like or lump rugby, the small matter of the Varsity match is tomorrow and pride for all is at stake to keep the Strand Poly in its place. The Buzz meets the squad who will carry all of your hopes and aspirations, for the next 24 hours or so, upon their muscular shoulders…
Tom Houghton UCL vs King's
2nd March 2012
Women's Match: K.O 5.30 PM
Men's Match: K.O 7.30 PM
From 5.15 PM follow live updates from The Buzz website as we take you through the whole of the women's match then the men's.
With the Varsity kick off just 24 hours away, The Buzz asked the men's squad some of those all important questions, involving tackling famous people and who the biggest shark in the squad is.
From their answers, The Buzz can safely conclude that it would not like to get on the wrong side of Elliot Mills, whilst also being willing to advise young ladies prone to 'sharks' to avoid Alex Cailleteau when gracing the likes of Moonies or the Roxy…
Name: Haris Ismail
Year: 2nd
Degree: Philosophy
Position: Centre / Wing
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy – Lash + Banter = LashBanter
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Lack of ethnic diversity on their team.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Any of the 2012 Republican Presidential candidates for their unflinching adherence to socially conservative and economically neoliberal principles that stand to create huge inequalities in wealth and threaten the secular constitution upon which the US was founded.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Hurdiss – would probably catch something off him.
Team joker? Kadeem Houson – token black guy
Who can handle their drink the best? Their what?
Biggest shark? Michael James Fairbairn – if only he were as good at rugby as he was at pulling ugly girls..
Name: Richard Taylor
Year: Third
Degree: History
Position: Hooker
Roxy or Moonies? Moonies- controversial, but I like the way the sticky carpet hugs my feet and entices me not to leave, or move.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? The way they don't always refer to themselves as "King's". Bad grammar really irks me.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jesus- he seems a bit full of himself.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Jack Tredrea- he'd show up late and then squint at me because he doesn't wear contacts.
Team Joker? Jonny Miles- initially claimed to be a centre (despite having the hands, build and gut of a prop). Still claims to be "funny".
Who can handle their drink the best? William Green- but descends into a primordial being.
And worst? Daniele Manzi- unconfirmed because nobody sees him drinking as he's tucked up in bed with his girlfriend.
Biggest Shark? William East- his capacity for womanising astounds me.
Name: Oliver Marshall
Year: 2nd Year
Degree: Chemistry
Position: Wing
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy. I mean who even goes to Moonies, it has a carpet.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their smelly chat, tragic
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Usain Bolt, I would have caught the fastest man ever.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills, on the pitch he eats people like me.
Team joker? Tom Brocket
Who can handle their drink the best? Jack Tredrea holds his 'What"?! best.
And worst? Jonny Miles is definitely worst, he's on a permanent ban from Roxy!
Biggest shark? My vote goes to 'Ugly' Ed. Ladies, he's got a hammerhead shark, if you get me.
Name: Fergus Taylor
Year: Fresher
Degree: Classics
Position: No. 8
Roxy or Moonies? Moonies. Banned indefinitely from The Roxy .
What’s the worst thing about King’s? It is a distinctly average Poly that serves as a grave-yard for UCL rejects.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jonah Lomu in the 1995 world cup semi-final.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills.
Team Joker? Will Green.
Who can handle their drink the best? Zain: consumes like a machine.
And the worst? Henry Pune: scarlet after a pint.
Biggest Shark? Fairbs. No standards.
Name: Kadeem Houson
Year: Finalist
Degree: French and Spanish
Position: Scrum Half
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Who?
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Beyonce, for obvious reasons.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot "The Goblin" Mills
Team Joker? Haris Ismail
Who can handle their drink the best? Tom Brocket
And the worst? Daniel "Keg" Mizen.
Biggest Shark? Richard Taylor-Cripps
Name: Mr. President (Faaaaaairbs)
Year: Fresher for life baby
Degree: Politics and Economics
Position: The Boss
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy. There's nothing to gain from stating the obvious.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Repugnant looking men.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Me. It would be interesting to be faced with such a monstrous challenge.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Erm, probably me.
Team Joker? I'm trying to think of someone funnier than myself…
Who can handle their drink the best? Ferg Taylor for 10 minutes.
And the worst? Ferg Taylor for all the time after that.
Biggest Shark? Alex Cailleteau, I've taught him well.
Name: Zain Ahmad Riza
Year: 2nd
Degree: BA German
Position: Centre
Roxy or Moonies? Neither because of my high class.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their faces.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Justin Bieber
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Jonny Miles – his quads are unsightly.
Team joker? Manzi.
Who can handle their drink the best? Zain.
And worst? Brocket.
Biggest shark? Cailleteau.
Name: Andrew Smith-Doctor
Year: 1st
Degree: Engineering with Business Finance
Position: Centre/ Full back
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy
What’s the worst thing about King’s? The Rougeness
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Lomu. Bring him down a level.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? No one.
Team joker? Miles
Who can handle their drink the best? Poon
And worst? Paymahn
Biggest shark? Fairbs.
Name: Jonnie Harris
Year: 1
Degree: Natural Sciences
Position: Hooker
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy. No explanation required.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? I fully support the monarchy.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Hitler at Munich.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Brad Jarvis – He’s mean.
Team joker? Richard Taylor
Who can handle their drink the best? Ferg Taylor
And worst? Alex Cailleteau
Biggest shark? President Fairbs.
Name: Alex Cailleteau
Year: 1
Degree: European studies
Position: 7 or 6
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, more disgusting birds.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their rugby
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jude?
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Haris
Team joker? Manzi
Who can handle their drink the best? Zain
And worst? Richard Taylor
Biggest shark? Tom Brockett
Name: Elliot Mills
Year: 2nd
Degree: Natural Sciences
Position: Hooker, Prop, Back Row
Roxy or Moonies? Neither.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Rouge
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jackie Chan
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Alex Davidson, such a big deal
Team joker? Not Jonny Miles
Who can handle their drink the best? Jack Tredrea, big head
And worst? Dan Mizen, too emotional.
Biggest shark? …
Name: Alex Davidson
Year: 1
Degree: History
Position: Second Row/ Blindside Flanker
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? The ‘Let’s all go down to King’s video’
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? F.D. Roosevelt – he’s disabled so I wouldn’t miss him.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Myself
Team joker? J. Harris
Who can handle their drink the best? Jack Tredrea
And worst? Dec Callaghan
Biggest shark? Cailleteau
Name: Brad ‘Beautiful’ Jarvis
Year: 3
Degree: Pharmacology
Position: Back row
Roxy or Moonies? Neither. Both are as hideous as eachother.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Their rugby team
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Martin Luther-King
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills, he is horrible.
Team joker? Anyone but Richard Taylor
Who can handle their drink the best? Tredrea
And worst? Probably me if I started drinking.
Biggest shark? Great white.
Name: Henry Poon
Year: 1
Degree: Biology
Position: Flanker
Roxy or Moonies? Moonies, even more disgusting
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Poly
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills
Team joker? Manzi
Who can handle their drink the best? Me
And worst? Ferg Taylor
Biggest shark? Cailleteau
Name: Ed Lowe
Year: 2
Degree: Biochemistry
Position: 2nd row
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, why ask?!
What’s the worst thing about King’s? They are uglier than me.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills
Team joker? Jonnie Harris
Who can handle their drink the best? Tom Brocket
And worst? Will Green… Ha!
Biggest shark? Me, for obvious reasons!
Name: Elliot Hurdiss
Year: 3
Degree: Neuroscience.
Position: Hooker
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, I’m banned from Moonies.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Stevie Wonder.. He wouldn’t see it coming.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Fairbs – but that would never happen ‘cause he never gets picked wooay!
Team joker? Elliot Mills
Who can handle their drink the best? Tredrea
And worst? Mizen
Biggest shark? Dan Mizen. Oh wait…
Name: Jack Tredrea
Year: 2
Degree: Mechanical Engineering
Position: 2nd Row/ Back row
Roxy or Moonies? Roxy, too many Sports Nights there to think otherwise.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? The colour of their strip.. Horrid.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Zinzan Brooke, he’s amazing.
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Elliot Mills. He’s terrifying.
Team joker? Will Green
Who can handle their drink the best? Will Green – northern lad, helped by his genes!
And worst? Henry Poon – Asian, let down by his genes!
Biggest shark? Haris Ismail, he’s shameless at times.
Name: Paymahn Safi
Year: 1
Degree: Engineering with business finance
Position: 7
Roxy or Moonies? Moonies – Roxy’s too small.
What’s the worst thing about King’s? Jonny Miles.
If you could tackle any famous person throughout history who would it be and why? Jonny Miles’ girlfriend
Who on the UCL team would you least like to play? Haris.
Team joker? Jonny Miles LOL.
Who can handle their drink the best? Cailleteau
And worst? Jonny Miles
Biggest shark? Jonny Miles.
Be sure to tune into the Buzz tomorrow from 5.15 to find out how the boys and the girls get on!
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