Do I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize?

A few weeks ago one of the few annual ‘important things from Norway’ made its yearly occurrence: the awarding of the Nobel Prizes.

The prize-winners list isn’t usually a particularly controversial topic, unless you fancy discussing Haroche and Wineland’s research on ‘ground-breaking experimental methods that enable measuring and manipulation of individual quantum systems’ over tear-diluted pint of loneliness.

However this year the coveted Peace Prize was awarded not to a bald man in orange robes or politician with an unpronounceable name. Instead, this year’s recipient was the EU; which by proxy means that every single man, woman, child and everything in between are now the proud recipients of a statistically insignificant amount of a Nobel Prize. But, what does this really mean?

For a start, the $1.2m dollar prize shared among the 739,165,030 people in the Union means that the Scandinavian committee have awarded each of us about $0.00162 each, which strikes me as a little bit thrifty. It’d take nearly 125 of us to club together in order to afford a single Freddo.

Upon receipt of the award, the journalistic population of the internet (circa ten billion hacks), instantaneously exploded into controversy and debate. Google made it particularly hard to find a balanced, impartial opinion by for some reason continually throwing up reams of furious and suspiciously homogeneous articles from Zimbabwe (incidentally one of few other countries to sell Freddos).

Yet from what I managed to gather, the EU supposedly deserves the Nobel Prize because since its formation there have been 60 years of peace and it has an alright human rights record. I say ‘alright’ because that’s only in comparison to the rest of the world, whose record fluctuates between ‘not ideal, guys’ and ‘for the love of God STOP’.

Maybe the accolade is really just a way of saying we’ve grown up since our troubled teenage years. Now we have a club where we look at the rest of the world and say ‘you’re all a bit foreign, but they’re foreign foreign’.

But anyway, it’s not for me to decide whether the esteemed organisation of the European Union has earned the award. What I do know about however, is me. So instead, why don’t we ask whether I, as an individual and technical member of the EU, really deserve a Nobel?

Let’s weigh up the evidence.

For:

• Last week I gave a homeless person outside of Sainsbury’s a bag of crisps because I didn’t want him to spend it on drugs. Except the crisps were Quavers, which are so full of chemicals they’re technically pharmaceuticals anyway.
• I cleaned the kitchen the other day without anyone even asking me.
• I haven’t committed genocide in ages.

Against:

• Last night I had a family bag of Minstrels for tea. There is no way I am capable of improving the world in any way.
• The other day a fat woman was walking slowly in front of me on the way to the tube and so I said ‘I didn’t know they let rhinos on the underground. Hahahaha I’m really funny and great. Somebody love me.’ but she had earphones in and probably didn’t hear me.
• I had Taylor Swift’s ‘We are never ever ever getting back together’ stuck in my head for nearly three weeks and at no point does that promote peace.

After careful consideration, it’s pretty likely that no, Nobel committee, I don’t deserve a Peace Prize. You can have my $0.00162 back and my 125^th of a hypothetical Freddo. However, if you happen to have Oscars or MOBOs lying around, it’s really about time someone recognised my talents.