Craziest Places You’ve Ever Woken Up

On the 24^th of November this year, in the dark of the early morning, a group of UCL students will be driven in a blacked out coach to an unknown location and left without money or mobile phones. Their mission? To get back to the University from wherever they are within 12 hours, relying on nothing but the kindness of strangers.

Yours truly will be taking part and providing you an uncensored, blow-by-blow account of the entire experience right here on your friendly local Tab. But what if you just can’t wait until then? What if you’re dying for crazy ‘Where the bleedin’ ‘eck am I? This a right pickle. How will I get out of this one? Well you’re in luck, because here we present a roundup of the craziest places our fellow students have ever woken up:

Dave, 1^st year

So I woke up after this one night stand somewhere in Islington to the sound of a crying baby. I couldn’t remember where I was or how I got there. It was just me and the kid.  After a few minutes a woman came in and started feeding the baby while we watched T4 together. In silence. It took me around an hour to realise that the woman and her child were actually the flatmates of the person I had got with the night before, who had decided that particular morning to go on a really long shop, leaving me there alone. Needless to say I promised myself I’d try and be a bit more exclusive in my ‘exploits’ after that.

Sarah, 3^rd year

This one time I woke up under my friend’s bed. She had pulled the night before and it was too awkward for me to crawl out so I had to stay there and listen to them have morning sex for about two hours.

James, 1^st year

I woke up on a boat going down the Thames. They were having some kind of charity function so I had to pretend I was there to support a charity. Luckily I was dressed like a pirate for the party the night before, so people thought I had been hired for entertainment. I had to make pirate jokes while trying not to be sick until we docked.

Alan, 2^nd year

After a night out in London, I woke up on a train to Wales. There were no more stops so I had to stay on until Cardiff. When I eventually managed to get home someone told me I had run into Euston shouting ‘I HAVE TO FIND CHARLOTTE CHURCH!!!’. Still haven’t met her.

Alice, 2^nd year

I came to after a particularly heavy night effectively ‘planking’ on a really high wall. I had no idea how I managed to get up there, and had to ask a passing policeman to help me down. He told me off, but then gave me a ride home, and he was kind of hot, so every cloud….

Sam, 1^st year

I woke up in a bush in Hyde Park wearing nothing but a McDonald’s bag for underwear. It had to beg for money for the tube, on which the bag subsequently ripped.

Rebecca, 3^rd year

It was a Sunday morning and I woke up next to some guy who’s name I couldn’t remember. I tried to make a polite excuse and leave, but he said his mum was making Sunday lunch downstairs. It was just the three of us and then we had to play board games. I’ve never had such an awkward round of Cluedo.

At least you’re not them, right? And make sure to watch out for our RAG LOST coverage, this weekend!

*All names have been altered in case you find out who they are and are like ‘ewwwww we are no longer going to hang, you massive skank’ (I mean come on, no-one’s really called Alan anymore)