The weirdest things you Googled to get to the Tab London

In our angriest/horniest/drunkest moments, we’ve all plugged questionable search terms into Google without a second thought. But Google sees all. And here at the Tab London, we see everything that Google sees.

We’ve got a section of our website that shows us which Google search terms led people to the Tab London – the good, the bad, and the unspeakably ugly. Here’s a screenshot-accompanied round up of the strangest ways in which you discovered the best online student news site in London.

‘Looking someone to masturbate with in london’

Oh no no no, not full sex. That would be cheating.

‘Does the writer even lift?‘

We lift ourselves out of the deep dark pit of depression when someone insults Tab journalism in the comments… Does that count?

‘Fashionable granny models fully clothed pictures’

You know the internet’s really messed up when you’ve got to specifically spell this shit out for Google.

‘Off the bakeoffs gold hooped earrings off bakeoff’

We can only assume this fervent Googler means our lovely Rubes, known primarily for her gold hooped earrings and being “off the bakeoffs”.

The eponymous earrings

‘UCL rejection’

‘I hate UCL’

Boy, that escalated quickly. Bitter much?

‘People who spend to.much time in.the pub’

e.g. you?

Okay, maybe we do spend too much time in the pub

‘Clubbing and mating’

Not sure if this person is a scholar of palaeontology or just a particularly Neanderthal breed of rugby lad.

‘Hamburger baby costume’

We at the Tab London can cater for all your fast-food baby outfit needs!

‘Traipsing in vagaries’

…What?

‘Very tall man’

That’d be Tom Houghton, our resident circus freak! (sorry Tom)

Very tall man.

‘Anus virginity’

Very surprised that this Google search led to the fine institution that is the Tab London

‘Can fuck buddies miss each other?’

Awwwwwwh, this is sad! So plaintive. You’re okay buddy, I’m sure she misses you too.

‘Grisly fucking pornhub’

The lack of punctuation in this search means that this person’s either searching for “grisly fucking” on Pornhub, or is just making a comment on how fucking grisly the website is in general. Guess we’ll never know.

‘Masturbate for money in London’

Keep dreaming.

‘Gagged porn’

Yeesh.

‘Dawkins is a twat’

Truer words were never spoken. Google on, comrade.

‘Science student are more useful in the society than art students’

At least we can type in coherent and grammatically-correct sentences.

‘How to argue with a man hater’

Here’s a tip: don’t even try.

‘Forced multiple ear piercing’

Whatever floats your boat.

‘Hating feminism’

Yeah, we do hate feminism big-time here at the Tab London.

‘Emma Kuziara babe ass’

Someone just got way too excited here and typed out their entire thought process in a single search. She’s a pretty babe-ass babe, though, we’ll give you that.

Babe ass.

‘Ultimate topless frisbee’

Is this a thing?? If so, the anti-feminist Tab London most certainly condones it.

‘Where can i have a sex in London’

Not many sex. Not three sex. A single sex.

‘Morning craziest’

Was this a tweet that went awry?

‘Luke belly dance’

Possibly referring to previous editor Luke Sproule. If there’s footage of him belly-dancing on the interwebs, we’d like to see it (we think).

‘Gay head in toilets London’

Generally we get about two or three “gay cruising in london”-related searches per day here at the Tab London.

‘tabsex’

I love this. Let’s make this a word.

TABSEX.

And finally…

‘I just want a shag in London’

The exasperated culmination of all this stupid, sexy searching. Keep trying.