I snuck into a Masters level Cosmology lecture at Imperial

You know what they say: keep your friends close and your enemies closer. So I did. I went to Imperial for the day pretending to be an Imperial Physicist and attended a Masters level Cosmology lecture.

The day started like most others. I woke up, got dressed and left the house. Except instead of ending up at the familiar and welcoming Bloomsbury, I wound up at South Kensington: the home of Made in Chelsea twat Spencer Matthews and his merry band of bellends. The ambience was one of poshness, snobbery and an “I think I’m better than everyone else” attitude. But then I spotted the Hummingbird Bakery and I knew cake would make it all better.

The first thing I scanned over was the general area. Between the row of museums – the Science Museum, the Natural History Museum and the V&A – and also the Royal Albert Hall, the Imperial buildings were difficult to spot. When I did finally spot them, they were underwhelming and unimpressive. The only thing that slightly caught my attention was Queen’s Tower standing tall in the middle of campus. But then when you discover it’s been closed in recent years to prevent Imperial student suicides, you realise it’s rather depressing.

So big and mighty

The next stop was the Physics building. There was nothing too special about it, apart from the labyrinth-like locker room in the basement, and also the shrine of physicists on the wall. It doesn’t top a life size Jeremy Bentham sitting in a box though.

Then came the lecture, the part I had been waiting for (no sarcasm intended, I actually was looking forward to it). Cosmology and space and shit has always interested me, despite being a Modern Languages student. I hadn’t done anything on it since A level, so I was expecting a nice change from Spanish translation. As the lecture began, I started to write as fast as I could to jot down everything interesting the lecturer said. To my pleasant surprise, I actually understood most of it (except for the maths). But five minutes in, I realised I was the only one doing this. I turned around and people were sitting there twiddling their thumbs just waiting for it to be over. And then it hit me: I was the nerdiest one in there. One person even asked to borrow my notes. Of course I refused, guarding the pieces of paper like my soul.

My beautiful notes

But it wasn’t long before the lecturer pointed out the two students who were due to appear on University Challenge that evening, saving my reputation in the process. The lecture baffled me, not because it was excruciatingly difficult, but because it was easy. It was in no way what I expected from a Masters level Physics lecture. We even watched a video. No wait, TWO videos. For a second there I thought I was in Geography. But then I realised there were no coloured pencils. I came out of the lecture pretty chuffed I had understood what was going on. If this is what Imperial calls Masters level Cosmology, they need to crank it up a notch unless they want UCL simpletons like me knowing what they’re on about.

Lastly, I was determined to find something interesting around campus so embarked upon my hunt. I did manage to find a giant metal cylinder thing that contains a stack of lecture theatres which I thought was pretty cool. In conclusion, Imperial was not particularly impressive aesthetically, or intellectually stimulating. They do get to graduate at the Royal Albert Hall, though. That’s got to be more rewarding than a tent in Bedford Square. And they also have cake, which is nice.