Meet the rugby boys set to destroy King’s next week

On Friday 11th March 2016, UCL 1st XV are set to take on the King’s 1st XV at the Allianz arena in the most highly anticipated match of this years Varsity.

Earlybird tickets are on sale until Friday and cost £8.50, then they’ll jump up to £12.50 – you can buy them here.

We caught up with Karl Nielsen, the 1st XV Captain, who talked us through the teams ready to put Strand Poly in their place.

1 – Minhuyk “Quadrasaurus” Seo – 101kg

Fueling his emotive viola performances with two steaks for breakfast every morning, this leg-pressing biologist still finds time to wax his two best assets before every game. In fact given his lengthy mid-match disappearances he might be waxing his legs during matches.

2 – Alexander Post – 99kg (28% body fat)

Postie has little man syndrome and on top of this was first told “no” when he was 19 years of age. The combination of these factors has left us with a hot headed, ill-disciplined boy who struggles to control himself. He will receive his 5th sin-bin of the season against Kings at approximately the 30-minute mark. Not to be missed.

3 – Nick ‘The Badger’ Edmonds – God only knows (probably about 145kg)

Claims to be a specialist in pretty much every facet of the game yet only seems to specialise in standing next to a ruck or wandering aimlessly round the pitch these days. In an effort to streamline this gargantuan monster into a more Aeron-dynamic , athletic build Club members began their very own #cullthebadger programme and were surprised to see him begin running again in February, alas, only for a Sabbatical position, hopefully he will channel his need to please the Union into a Varsity winning performance. #culltheBadge

4 – Karl Nielsen – 103kg

Big Karl is the name, Gymming is my game, I’m silent and deadly, with a fortress at Shenley. I’m a giant of old, no mortal more bold, I punch like a hammer, just like Dyer’s slammer. My name is Karl, King’s watch me snarl, I’m coming for you, I’ll turn you into fresh poly stew.

5 – Elliott Davis – 110.9kg

“My only achievement at university has been to gain weight” – Elliott Davis 2016. P.S. I love Lara

6 – Alex Davidson – 102kg [BS, make sure to edit this]

Tall, slim and clean, and thus to many the very antithesis of this great Club, yet the aged veteran has committed himself fully to the cause and having (finally) been rewarded with a starting birth has attempted to transform his malnourished frame by leaving his beloved Senate House Library for the sweatier disposition of ‘Bloomsbury Fitness’. The results have been poor and rumours of a 200kg squat are completely unfounded; nonetheless – a true stalwart of UC

7 – Joseph “Ciara” Ryan – 95kg

Returning UCL rugby to its former glory after its BUCS Club of the year blip, Joe has done his best to ensure that Club members are as widely disliked as they are lost on their degrees. Joe has softened however after his one true love finally accepted him for who he claimed to be and got over his abrasive northern ways and persistent nose bleeds.

8 – Derek Lipscomb – 104kg (230 freedom units)

Derek was a primary school teacher before coming to UCL to complete his Masters in Education. Hard to believe a person in charge of the growing minds of the future still has an instagram name like “Hold_Muh_D”.

9 – James Morris – 82kg

They say the stupid and the ugly have the best of it in this world, to which James Morris presents evidence to the contrary. James sports golden locks much to the envy of his flyhalf, a girlfriend with whom he is undoubtedly punching, and has an above par penchant for surfing. At first glance you would think the Zen is calm in James Morris’ sphere of influence, yet he possesses a temperament nearly as fiery as his left to right pass. The supposed brains of the operation, Morris looks to run the show from 9, much to the amusement of his outside backs who are currently scraping together the savings to buy him a hearing aid. Touted by Vernon Kay as a Harry Potter lookalike, some serious spell casting is going to be required from this young man if UCL are to function effectively on the 11th of March.

10 – Charlie Farquhar – 86kg

Having recovered from a long term injury that ruled him completely out of last season, Farquhar had a few strong showings in the centres before weaselling his way into the 10 jersey just in time for Varsity. Do not let the receding hairline fool you, even at the ripe old age of 56, Farquhar has still got copious amounts of flair about him. Having taken on the goal kicking duties, the substantial size of Charlie’s undercarriage has already been proven this season with a high pressure, last play of the game, winning penalty against Portsmouth.

11 – James Dyer – 90kg

Dyer is extremely well known, perhaps even infamous, to our corporate sponsors having carried out his external relations duties with aplomb. Not content to just fire off a few emails in early September, he also found time to contemplate the infinite complexities of rugby while roaming team training with his headphones in. Look out for some cracking photos of him throwing his trademark step in the match, or admiring one of his supercharged passes as it crashes into the gut of the poor forward running a line about 3 feet from him.

12 – Elliot Handler – 99kg

After being told he needed to lose weight to make this year’s starting XV, this man admirably committed himself to literally zero cardio sessions throughout the season. His snakey reputation masks a bull-like crash ball and an anger learnt from studying Russian Tsars.

13 – Matt Holliday – 102kg

Having found himself in the dark turmoil that is first year in Ramsey Hall, Matthew ditched rubix cubes and Star Craft for gym and friends, he is a shining Beacon of hope for anyone struggling with loneliness, girth or erectile dysfunction.

14 – Kayode Awobowale – 87kg

Kayode is known to make Michelangelo statues jealous of his physique when he walks past, and for good reason. Despite this he stays humble, in recognition of the fact that there is more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking. If one of those things is being sick at rugby then Kayode really has cracked the code to winning at life.

15 – Rhodri Sennitt – 89.5kg

Reared in the valleys of Greater Cardiffshire, Rhodri Sennitt hails from the birth place of Welsh Rugby’s professional revolution. Dedicated athletes pushing the the very limits of the human condition. Tall, handsome, focused with unyielding self-discipline, Rhodri Sennitt is none of these things. For those who know of Rhodri well, will know that instead of worshipping at the temple of iron, this shy, retiring individual will instead be found in silent contemplation praying to the Gods of Snakebite to grant him strength in his next conquest on the paddock. Indeed, an anomalous free spirit fighting the stream of the status quo, some say his correct appendage is more cultured than his right foot. The Jury is still out on that one. An integral part of the team and in his 3rd year studying maths, Rhodri will be looking to add to his collection of Varsity wins.

16 – George Simpson – 105kg

If George didn’t wear his lacrosse stash everywhere he went you would hardly notice that he has recently emerged from the tired backwaters of that sport to the thriving metropolis of UCL rugby. He now hardly ever refers to the dead ball area as the ‘fan’, and he is coming to grips with the concept of no forward passing. Fortunately his ability to scrummage literally tips the scales in his favour and he has now become a fully-fledged prop.

17 – Joshua Carter – 106kg

Josh too boycotted the Oscars last Sunday after he spoke out for diversity, having been snubbed as Best Supporting Actor nomination for his role as the bear in The Revenant. Away from the big screen, Josh can be found complaining to anyone and everyone that he’s lost two stone in the past month. Poppycock. He may have moved away from the front row, but he still earns the title of UCL’s smelliest, cuddliest bear

18 – ‘Big Fat’ Kit Carter-Leno – 99.9kg

KCL, unlike KCL, manages to be decent at both rugby and academic work. Despite his unfortunate initials (although to be fair there aren’t many first names that start with U) Kit has been a foundation of UCL rugby for four years. From week to week his weight varies by as much as 15kg, and while earlier research suggested that this is due to fluctuations in the orbit of Venus, more recent findings have shown that the pattern is directly attributable to Wednesday and Friday antics in Loop/ULU. Whatever the truth may be, much remains to be learned about the one and only BFK.

19 – Ruaridh McKay – 93kg

A lifelong commitment to asymmetry that started with a missing ear reached new heights this year when his nose was broken, displacing it far to the left (well beyond Jeremy Corbyn). Now with a slightly centre-left nose, McKay hopes his rugby will continue to provide a strong case for perpetual British EU membership. Expect him to pass, step, run, and vote in the same direction.

21 – Ilyas Morrison – 80kg

Does Ilyas enjoy rugby? How does his slim frame generate the power for his bullet-like acceleration? Why does he insist on training in a down jacket? What is the meaning of life? Ilyas has promised answers to all these questions and more at the Allianz on Friday 11^th March.

22- James Ozden – weight negligible

Risen from the cesspit of rugby that is the UCLU Men’s 3rd’s by learning how to catch and pass, occasionally in the same game. Visually he is an exotic cross between mark zuckerberg and mesut ozil however his accent still causes confusion and he yells unintelligible things both on and off the pitch. His small stature is explained by spending too much time in the gym working pointless muscle groups such as ‘legs’ and not focusing on the big 3: chest, bi’s and tri’s.

23 – Archie Meikle – an optimistic 80kg

With a moral compass that makes Idi Amin look positively pleasant, Archie is possibly the most hated character in UCL’s engineering department; his hobbies include refusing to use seasoning, pretending to be a cat and grieving over his dead Rabbit, Coco (Rumour has it Archie ate Coco as part of his attempts to make swift gains before Varsity). Archie can be found on Drummond Street, sampling goblettes of Snakey B and spoiling his girlfriend with the finest Indian cuisine to remind her of home.

24 – Aptenodytes forsteri, the Emperor Penguin. (Known as Seán Lea by the few people he speaks to) – 94kg

Spent a month out injured with a blister on his arse, but in his spare time enjoys eating fish and cradling his egg between his legs. Rumours are he once caught a rugby ball- likely made up by the same people who claim to have heard him speak.

25- Edward Quinn-Savory – 85kg

The true power of the club, EQS has turned the art of cutting through Union red tape into a science. His hobbies include berating freshers for incorrect double windsors, impromptu monologues about the pros and cons of British military strategy in the Central Asian theatre, and personifying the champagne socialist with his unique combination of public school accent and Trotsky inspired ideology.

Sammy the Shark – 18ft, 2500lbs

Sharks are one of the most misunderstood creatures in the ocean, similar to the man sporting the costume this year. His imposing frame and chiselled jawline often earns Sammy the reputation of a lager swilling lothario, but anyone who knows the man underneath the costume will tell you otherwise. If you break through that rugged exterior you will discover the poet, the painter and the pioneer of cultural debate that has broken the hearts of many a naïve woman across our vast campus. No sky too high, no sea too rough, no muff too tough. Sammy is a lover and a fighter and his views do not represent the views of this prestigious Club.