Ballers: The UCL Varsity netball lineup 2016

London Varsity 2016 kicked off in fine form yesterday as the hockey boys nailed a 2-1 win over King’s at the Olympic Park. Unfortunately, the girls were less successful, putting in a valiant performance but coming out 2-1 down at the final whistle.

As Varsity rumbles on in to the weekend, countless sports are due to be played, including Women’s netball on Sunday from 12:15 at the University of East London – you can still grab your tickets here.

As everyone knows, netball players are the dream, so we thought it’d be a good idea to catch up with the captain, Marie-Claire Healey, who talked us through the team.

Saskia Tonge, 6’0″

“Saskia, the nice girl from Bath that we all know and love, the girl often found innocently crying in the depths of number 19 Dering Street, usually about a phone that (isn’t) lost or her strapping young boyfriend in the UCLU Men’s Rugby Alumni, but on the court things are different.

“Her cries of ‘hustle hustle’ can be heard for miles as she calls to her gang for back up. The opposition quivers in her shadow as she summons her troops, she’s the white girl gangster of the group and her Bath roots will not hold her back. King’s better watch out for her fierce attitude, her crew will be waiting for anyone who dares defend her shot.”

Caitlin Scott, 6’0″

“Caitlin’s mad skills in the D recently sparked rumours of a marriage proposal. With those rumours now dispelled she has got her head back in the game and has continued scoring those unbelievable shots. Don’t let the quiet demeanour fool you. Silent but deadly.”

Tilly Barker, 6’3″

“Remember Stretch Armstrong? In Tilly Barker you can find the female living version. With limbs longer than Emma Falconer’s shit stories, this girl can reach and defend any ball King’s try and get to goal.”

Emma Falconer, 6’0″

“Luckily Emma Falconer will be able to make the Varsity match as travelling by ‘peasant wagon’ isn’t included in the journey. That being said, this Fresher has no qualms in shotgunning a seat ahead of Seniors, so you may see Her Royal Highness arriving at the match alongside Lady Nicola Osrin in her uber, obviously charged to mummy’s account.”

Marie-Claire Healey, 6’0″

“Marie-Claire. The captain. Recently featured on UCL power list and with two offers for post-grad medicine, is there anything this girl can’t do? Rumour has it that she’s attended every Mayfair night in history but we all know it’s just a cover in continuing her quest to sexually harass Justin Bieber one last time. Don’t let the pretty name distract from her infallible defensive skills: this girl is a wall, nothing’s getting past her. Best of luck King’s, you’re gunna need it.”

Nicola Osrin , 6’0″

“From rags to riches, Lady Nicola is moving up in the world one dry cleaned netball kit at a time. They say ‘home is where the heart is’, instead Nicola opted to leave her common sense back in her South African hometown. Luckily we’re only asking her to display her flawless abilities as WA on Sunday 6th, skills Strand Poly will undoubtedly struggle to defend.”

Harry Leitch, 6’0″

“Her theatrical defending skills require no grand curtain reveal. The court is her stage upon which her presence cannot be denied. Throwing feared facial expressions and grunts of determination, the attacking opposition know better than to rile up this girl and her curly locks. However, Harry is valued both on and off the court, never short of a smile, kind word or slightly inappropriate joke. What a gem.”

Bridget Dowling, 5’9″

“Small in size, but what she lacks in height she makes up for in Loop appearances, interest in the rugby club and sassiness as President of the Society. Nearing the peak of a mid-life crisis she could blow at any point, with a few days to go until Varsity and the pressure ever surmounting, King’s should maybe keep their distance from this feisty little WA.”

Julia Wilson, 6’0″

“Julia may have absolutely (literally, in fact) lost it on tour this year but on court it’s a different story. Cool, calm and collected you’ll often find her tirelessly running up and down the entire court for a solid hour. Or on the bottom floor of Loop most weeks. Watch out King’s. If Julia has the balls to successfully make a bouncer cry, there’s no hope for you.”

Izzie Greer, 6’0″

“There are a number of reasons a few freshers are still scared to talk to this blonde Northener. Defying physics with the equivalent of two bowling balls strapped to her chest, her speed and bounce will knock even the toughest of oppositions off court.

“Known to take it to the limit with everything she does and Netball is certainly no exception. She had a pint before varsity last year just to make it that little bit less embarrassing for the King’s Wing Attack: this year she’s not holding back. If Izzie can dominate the court on a four day hangover and two hours sleep, God only knows what she’ll pull out on Sunday.”

Harriet Stewart, 6’0″

“Harriet sure is a keeper, look out for this GK breaking it down on the dance floor and on court. This French and German student can handle two languages so watch how she handles the D.”

Izzy Sulkin, 6’0″

“Fresher Izzy is almost as loud on the court as she is against her door, commanding the defence like a Cornish Pirate aboard the Jolly Roger of netball prowess. From day one, Izzy was banging on the door of first team selection and she’s looking to deliver a sterling performance against King’s so she can get on it (or under someone) at Piccadilly Institute next Friday.”

#bleedpurple