How to spot someone from Surrey

Surrey has just been crowned the champion of the home counties and nobody is surprised about it: Surrey folk have been well aware of their superiority for generations, or at least they think they have.

Whether or not they’re all they’re cracked up to be remains to be seen, but what’s for sure is that people from the ‘rey want you to know it: they dress in a particular way, speak in a particular way and this is what you’ve got to look out for:

They love Barbour

Babies in Surrey are born in Barbour, emerging from the womb as their wax jacket glistens in the harsh light of the East Surrey hospital ward, the Barbour is a must and a true Surrey kid won’t brave the cold without one.

As they grow older their jackets grow with them, they might mix up the colours (between khaki and navy), and whilst they’ll pick up a Ralphy puffa to fit in with their edgier mates from up North, the Barbour will remain pristinely hung in their wardrobe, soaking in Nikwax for the commute back to the countryside.

Waitrose is a staple

A quick look at the Waitrose store locator indicates that not only do Surrey residents like Waitrose, they have no choice because there’s literally nothing else there. Even if there was, their Mums wouldn’t dare step foot in a Tesco: why bother when even Tesco’s finest fails to match Waitrose’s essential range?

They might even tell you about the time their mum went to the new Waitrose opening in town because she heard there were some excellent samples on offer.

So when little Harriet comes to university, why punish herself with Sainsbury’s when Ocado have an incredibly reliable delivery service? Plus, jumbo prawns are on buy one get one free at the moment so it’s actually a no-brainer anyway.

They love golf and grime

Back home in Surrey there’s nothing better on a Sunday afternoon than a spot of golf, but when they’re at university the golf clubs at Hoebridge are exchanged for nights out at Second Bridge and there’s nowhere better than the grime scene.

Those Surrey residents from the East-side will tell you they’re from Croydon all of a sudden as they don their Ralphie t-shirts and caps and tell everyone they know someone who went to the same school that Stormzy’s little brother’s best mate went to once.

The rest of the time they’ll desperately avoid any association with the South London ghetto.

They own a Range Rover

Their Dad’s got a Range for no apparent reason but to drive between the tennis court and back, but they’ll want you to know about it. They’ll drop mentions of ‘The Range’ in to random conversations where it bears absolutely no relevance:

“Yeah then we just went for a McDonald’s Drive Thru in The Range.”

“I used to play football loads and just fall asleep in the back of The Range on the way home.”

“Yeah Lamborghinis are cool but you should see my Dad’s Range, it absolutely flies when you put your foot down.”

They probably wear a signet ring

Signet rings serve literally no purpose but to warn people away from you: “Don’t come near me, I’m a pretentious bellend'”they signal to anyone considering a conversation.

But it’s fine because they look sick and people in Surrey rate them and, let’s be honest, William’s bringing a Surrey girl home or he’s not bringing a girl home at all – if the siggy forces the ruffians from Essex and Sussex away then that can only be a good thing.

Their best stories will always start with ‘My mates Dad’

“My mate’s Dad knows is the CEO of BT and we went for dinner a couple weeks ago and he spent so much money haha x”

If there’s a conversation going on at pres and someone from Surrey has no appropriate stories to contribute, you can bet one of their friends Dads’ does. They’ve heard countless stories in the Range on the way to rugby about Jim’s Dad, Huw, so why not whip them out at pres?

They love stash

Of course they’re at Exeter

At Tormead, Connie wore Kukri, Samurai or Canterbury day in day out, so why change at uni? ‘Stash’ is the only reason Cons came to uni, and York has a great colour scheme so why not buy it all and wear it absolutely everywhere?

They love black tie

Whether it was Esher or Epsom, Haselemere or Horsley, every Surrey 18th birthday was a black tie event (open bar obviously) and now you’re at university there’s no need to whip out the cummerbund every weekend. But this feels like such a waste so you can be sure your Surrey friend will be sniffing out every ball that university has to offer.

Chess Soc Easter boat ball anyone?

They’ll tell you they’re from the countryside but they’re not

They claim to love croquet on a Summer’s day as they sip Pimms by the village green in weird places like Frimley Green or Abinger Hammer. They wax lyrical about looking over the acres and acres of greenbelt that surrounds their estate. Despite the fact Surrey-borns usually live by the dreary town of Guildford or the urban nightmare of Woking, there’s a few trees in their gardens and a pond down the road so they get to say they live in the middle of nowhere.

They’ll let you know about it all the time and talk about how they miss their dog walks by Frensham Ponds and their weekly binges at  the local farmers’ market, but remind you how they’re also in perfectly close proximity to London should they fancy a mad one.