How to spot someone from North London

When people hear North London, they think upper middle class families, rich kids who go to private schools, Jewish princesses and Hampstead Heath. And to be fair, they’re exactly right.

Although North London does have a hidden dark side, what you see is pretty much what you get – a mass of bourgeois mums bragging about how their daughter got an interview at Cambridge to read Philosophy. So here’s what you have to keep an eye out for if you want to spot a North Londoner in their natural habitat.

They wear Michael Kors bags

“Oh this old thing? I don’t really like it, I might get a new one.”

If you’re from North London and you don’t own a Michael Kors bag you’re an abomination to your home town. Unless you’re a guy then it’s ok – just make sure you buy your girlfriend one. North Londoners make Michael Kors mainstream rather than a luxury item. Keep a special look out for mums with the bag, or if they’re taking it up a notch, they may be sporting a Louis Vuitton classic and a pair of oversized sunglasses while trotting down Hampstead High Street.

They shop at Waitrose or M&S

Quinoa or cous cous? The choices are endless

North Londoners are far too good for Tesco and Sainsbury’s. They shop for quality, not quantity. And that means going to Waitrose and M&S for their weekly grocery shop. They wouldn’t be caught dead with a Nectar card. Even North London knows this, and as a result, the competition between the two supermarkets is fierce, with Temple Fortune hosting a Waitrose and a M&S right opposite each other. It’s unlikely that there would be too much beef though because this is Golders Green we’re talking about. But if there was it would be Kosher.

They drive a Merc

My ride

This isn’t Chelsea so don’t try spotting any Lamborghinis or Porsches. Most North London families come with a Mercedes and drop their kids to school in it. If they have a lot of kids they’ll be dropping them off in the four by four Merc looking like they own the road, even though taking the tube to school would probably take half the time with the morning traffic. But then you wouldn’t want to let poor Gemma carry her saxophone on the tube by herself.

They go to private school

Classic senior school sports day

If you spot a bunch of private school kids walking around, you’ve probably spotted a group of North London teenagers. If they’re around year seven age, they’re most likely wearing a perfectly ironed, pristine uniform and have massive rucksacks on their backs. If they’re older, their uniforms are probably looking a bit shabby in an attempt to look cool. But they’ll be hanging out in single sex groups for sure because most private schools offer a single sex education. Unless it’s 4pm on Friday and they’re on their way to Hampstead with the few boys they know from their ‘brother’ school.

They’ll stroll up Fitzjohn’s Avenue in their little boy girl groups ready to queue outside Starbucks for that end of the week Frappuccino that tastes so good because it was bought with daddy’s money.

They spend all their free time in Hampstead

Hampstead high street is so Instagram worthy

Whether it’s Hampstead High Street or the Heath, most North Londoners will spend their Saturday afternoons in Hampstead one way or another. They’ll wander down the high street in their heels and shades, maybe stopping for a crepe from the Hampstead creperie or a tea and eclair from Maison Blanc. Then they’ll pop into Comptoir des Cotonniers to see if that plain white t-shirt has been reduced from £60.

Or if they’re on the Heath, they’re most likely walking their dog on a sunny day through the grass, wearing their Nike Roche Runs and sports leggings.

And if they’re not in either, they’ll probably be at the O2 centre not shopping at Sainsbury’s.

They don’t work

If you’re wondering why you always see North London mums wandering around in heels in the middle of the day, it’s because they don’t work and so spend their free time dressed as MILFs going for tea with other North London MILFs. Why would they need to work when their husbands already earn enough to provide for the whole family? Even if the kids leave school and go to Oxford, there’s no pressure to find a well paid job once they graduate because there’s always room for family at daddy’s business. Or if they do find themselves a proper job, they’ll give it up once they have their own kids because their husband will become their ATM and they’ll eventually follow in their mother’s footsteps and walk around as MILFs at 2pm on a weekday.

They live in the ‘burbs

It’s always green in the ‘burbs

Detached houses are a rarity in London, probably because they’re already inhabited by North Londoners in Hampstead Garden Suburb. They’ll have their own driveway, garage, big garden and street parking spot. The kind of thing you see on American family TV shows. Their streets will be lined with evergreen trees and hedges. And they’ll have their own gardener and cleaner.

If they don’t live in one of these detached houses, then they’ll live in posh terraced housing called ‘mansions’ which aren’t even really mansions. They’ll still have their driveway, garden, and cleaner but with the added bonus of having 3 floors instead of 2 with a second living room on the first floor. Oh so pretentious.

They own a piano

Victor being a waste of space

North London houses come with pianos for no reason whatsoever other than just to add a certain bourgeois decor to the household. They even make sure to tune them every 6 months like you’re supposed to despite the fact that no one in the house plays them. Ok, maybe the kids played it when they were 10 for a couple of years but the piano wasn’t bought for that purpose. It just worked out like that.