POLL: What’s the worst halls in Southampton?

Throughout Southampton’s eleven major Halls of Residences, there are very few things that are consistent: like, the cleaners hate you, your flatmate’s wanking in the shower, and everyone – everyone – is drinking your milk even though you’ve written your name on it. These are givens.

Past that, every Halls has it’s own little quirks, tailored towards making them your own personal version of Hell. Have asthma, do we? Welcome to Monte, hope you like black mould. Never eaten a maggot, have you? Connaught catering staff have your back. Exam at 9 in the morning, is it? Some joker in Mayflower will set the fire alarm off precisely 0.2 seconds after you fall asleep.

Everyone knows Halls are the best year of uni just because of the people you meet but that doesn’t excuse the dreadful and embarrassing micro-cultures that forms in each one (Connaught Rangers! Connaught Rangers! Connaught Rangers!).

Scroll all the way down to cast your vote for the worst Halls in Southampton!

Archers Road

How can somewhere so conveniently located also be so terrible? Archers Road is close to Bedford Place and the city, not too far from the Jesters end of Porstwood and close enough to a bus stop for uni, but still manages to be an utterly irrelevant halls.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s tiny compared to Wessex Lane or Glen, maybe it’s the lack of proximity to another halls which means Archers gives off a slightly inbred vibe. Sure it’s handy for pre drinks, but there’s something about it that still puts you off going there. If you agree, vote Archers.

Bencraft

Has anyone ever actually been to Bencraft? It’s so far away from everything that even the people who live there must give up halfway through the journey. No mortal could have the endurance necessary to withstand the ridiculous trip on the U2B, which everyone knows is just a shuttle for Glen students too lazy to walk up and down the hill.

If Bencraft’s sheer distance from everything wasn’t enough, it is literally next door to a crematorium. That’s right, living in Bencraft means you’re never more than a stone’s throw from a load of dead bodies. In fact, you have to turn into the crematorium entrance to even get into the halls. Like the smell of coffee and toast in the morning? What about roast person? If so, Bencraft is for you. If, like most sane people, this doesn’t appeal to you, you’ll vote Bencraft.

Chamberlain

Why are you even a halls? Just because you’re across the road from Glen doesn’t make you an independent being. There’s no character here, no identity. It’s just three boring blocks of flats with boring students. You don’t deserve to even exist, you don’t have a purpose. Grow up and accept your Glen overlords.

City Gateway

That kid who joined your primary school halfway through year 5 and never really had a chance of fitting in. Gateway was causing problems before it even opened, with construction delays almost leaving a load of freshers homeless.

Since opening Gateway has been nominated for an award for terrible architecture and has been branded ‘The Fag Butt’ by locals. It’s miles from the city centre and Bevois Valley. Yes it has a built-in Subway and a gym, but who wants to live inside a giant orange cigarette? Vote Gateway.

Connaught

Rowdy guy starting a fight in Jesters? Someone talking too loudly on the fourth floor in Hartley? One person always turning up late to lectures? That’s what entitlement does to you and there’s nowhere more entitled than Connaught, with its secluded, antiquated halls that look like something that Dickens would write about. They don’t even cook their own food, they get someone else to do it for them.

We don’t really have fraternities in Britain but the Connaught Rangers have been trying hard to copy them for years. Derided outside of the group for the sheer embarrassment of the idea, they’re surely a front runner for worst halls.

Erasmus Park

You’re fifteen miles from anything even remotely interesting. Your cathedral costs £8 to get in to. Your Christmas market is shit. Even SUSU don’t care about you. Your existence is pitiful.

Glen Eyre

Everyone would rather go to Solent than Glen Eyre. Plus you’re the only halls that actually has exams held in it, which makes you immediately forgetful and any fleeting memories are just painful. It’s also impossible to have an impromptu night out in Glen, as its in pure suburbia. There’s no Co-op for miles.

Glen Eyre Halls – location of Friday’s collection event

Highfield

The smallest halls in Southampton. That’s all that can be said about you. You don’t contribute to the cultural fabric of this university: there’s no notorious sports group, a niche bit of information or an outrageous drinking culture associated with you guys. You’re all middle of the road accounting and business students. And that’s fine if you want to live in Wiltshire and retire at 53. It’s a pretty boring way to live though.

Liberty Point

Do you guys even count as halls here? You’re not owned by the Uni, and they don’t really care about you. You’re surrounded on all sides by a dual carriageway which makes it annoyingly hard to actually get in to the halls on a cold, windy day.

Anyone with any sense chose Mayflower: the bigger, better closer to Asda version of Liberty Point. When they decide that they’re just going to build a new version of yourself, it’s pretty much time to just give up.

Mayflower

If anything, you guys pay too little money for what you have, and chances are that Daddy’s paying for it all anyway. There’s a gym, a supermarket 30 seconds away and potentially penthouse views of the nearby city centre. The rooms are huge, flats nice and spread out. It’s the perfect place for pre drinks.

Unfortunately, its miles from any other students. The arrogance of its designers and the very people who live there, not realising it’s an hour round trip for most students, is insulting. For the sheer inconvenience of getting there it must be the worst halls.

Monte

Monte is the living embodiment of ‘quantity over quality’. It’s one of the biggest halls in Europe, but this doesn’t make it good. The size of the blocks just means more rubbish to pile up by the front door, leading to a chronic rat problem. It’s a relative oldie compared to Mayflower or Gateway and could really do with a lick of paint in places.

You also live right next to an abandoned, asbestos ridden, scaffolding covered tower block. It’s comfortably the worst view in halls, because you can’t actually see the graves from Bencraft.

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