All the rules you’ll need to know when texting a girl

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I know this might be really difficult for you, and it's a pretty big step, but I think you can do it. I believe in you and I'm sure we can reach this milestone together. If Beyoncé can raise 3 children, do a world tour and still post fire instas you can put down the weights and text me back.

Don't ask questions if you don't want to engage in conversation

You would think this one would be pretty simple but alas it seems our guys have suffered too many Jägerbomb related brain damage to realise this. If you ask me a question, I am going to reply. If you don't want to chat there are several ways to kill a conversation. Use your brain.

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You send a message, then I send a message. Then you send a message. You getting the hang of it yet?

Listen to my wise words or you'll end up like this

Don't air me for five days straight

I know when you were last active on Facebook. My housemates know when you were last active on Facebook. My best friend from home knows when you were last active on Facebook. Come on.

Never, ever use the tongue out emoji

Trust me when I say it will make my vagina dryer than the Sahara dessert. Do not, under any circumstances, ever ever use any variation of it. Ever.

This guy is the human embodiment of the tongue emoji. No one wants that.

Don't make me play Twenty Questions just to keep it going

Conversation is a two way thing, and sometimes you're going to have to contribute too.If you really fancy pushing yourself, you could even start the conversation once in a while. Hahas and emojis don't cut it.

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Literally. Just. Reply.