The Apprentice: Week 1

Sixteen candidates stand before him in the boardroom. Only fifteen can continue on in the hopes of becoming Lord Sugar’s next top apprentice. Or something like that.

CAUTION! CONTAINS SPOILERS.

Setting the Scene

This year’s fresh batch arrive in the boardroom like a finely dressed bunch of lambs for slaughter to begin their battle for Lord Sugar’s £250 000 investment. Well, except for restaurant owner Maria who has taken the battle literally and painted some hideous purple war paint over her eyelids. Lord Sugar is not looking for a friend; if he wanted one he’d get a dog. He’s actually looking for the “Marks to his Spencer” a phrase I think I once heard on Take Me Out. Sales man Stephen begins perspiring. Lord 

Sugar asks if he’s nervous. It’s difficult to tell whether it’s him or Maria’s make up that have reduced Stephen to this state. The task is announced as a simple case of branding and selling. Each team is given a selection of blank items on which they have to print their own designs. Whoever sells the most wins. Seemples.

The Task

It’s boys vs. girls and Stephen has recovered enough to suggest the team name Phoenix, just in case they have to rise from the ashes at any point. I’m not sure how much conviction this name reflects but they go along with it anyway. On the girls’ team, Jenna comes up with Sterling. Or rather, a friend suggests it to her in a dream. Gabrielle immediately puts herself forward for project manager because she actually has her own printing business- handy. No one wants the job at Phoenix.

Sterling opts for an animal design targeting the baby market. Jane draws a surprisingly good design. “Smashing” Nick calls it. But, no one listens to pouty Irishwoman Jane when she stresses the importance of margins. Over at Phoenix, margins are all PM Nick whose mind works like an excel sheet can think about. As a result, their patriotic design of London busses is uninspiring. Duane, who I have high hopes for because he lists the Jagermeister brand as an inspiration, singularly remarks upon the poor design.

The girls take to printing like a charm. The boys, not so much. Even business “superstar” by day, pro wrestler by night and Latino legend Ricky Martin struggles. A disgruntled shop owner asks for a refund after she is sold a batch of their dodgy bags. Karen agrees declaring that they “belong in no other place than the bin.” Despite this, their sales go rather well. In a shock twist, tourists appear willing to pay a ridiculous amount for their overpriced teddy bears. Sterling’s on the other hand, despite having the superior product, don’t. They arrive late to London Zoo and terrify a shop owner after taking inspiration from the animals for their rowdy pitch. They’re even chastised by a passer-by for their behaviour.

In the end, Phoenix’ tacky products make a profit of £616 while Sterling trail behind with a measly £214.

The Boardroom

While the boys toast their fledgling “bromance” dining on canapés created by Willie Wonka, the girls turn against each other in the boardroom. Compulsive over-talker Bilyana blames Gabrielle for her slow decision making while Maria (still wearing that eye shadow) blames Bilyana (who happens to by a financial analyst) for not fixing the margins. But, it’s Gabrielle, gobby Bilyana and mousy Katie who return for the decider.

Katie is there because she hasn’t pulled her weight, or, sorry, because she, ahem, “put her professionalism ahead of putting her neck on the line”, refusing to be drawn into riotous behaviour. Bilyana is there because she is just so annoying. She demonstrates this by immediately beginning to talk. Katie can’t think of a reason for not being fired and resorts to begging.

Bilyana keeps talking.

Eventually enough is enough. Bilyana’s incessant chatter and her point that she once was Head Girl at school therefore should remain in the competition becomes too much for Lord Sugar. SHUT UP he cries. Or rather I cried. Out loud at the TV. Although I believe that’s what he would have said had he gotten the chance. “I’ll show you” she says. “I don’t think so” he says.

Who’s Fired?

In a toss-up between the gob and the mouse, the gob was silenced. Phew.

Verdict

To be honest, I was surprised that the boys won the challenge mainly because I was surprised that anyone would buy their products. But, Bilyana talked herself right out of the boardroom. She had to go. Props to the Sug.