Ben Isle: How old is too old?

This week my keen appetite for politics has been fed by the local elections in London. It was about time I too tackled some of the important issues plaguing modern society. Inspired by an article from 2008 that my friend read on Facebook, I got to thinking – how old is too old to have stabilisers on your bicycle?

There are a number of incredibly offensive opinions and disgusting assumptions made about adults who still use stabilisers. Jeers of “aren’t you too old for those?” or “you’re shit at cycling” or “you look like a pillock, Ben” are actually incredibly hurtful. The Student Support Services have completely failed to come up with a credible anti-bullying policy to address this matter. However, both pros and cons are important to any debate. A journalists job is to provide a completely balanced view and not favour any one opinion. Therefore, I have managed to come up with five pros or cons on the ageism debate. Thank you, Mr Speaker.          

1.      “When I grow up I want to be famous, I want to be a star, I want to have boobies:” This house believes if we are to set a normal age (some have said six) when it is no longer appropriate to use stabilisers this would force some children to grow up too soon.  What with video games and sexy music videos the last thing we need are more children being pressured to behave like adults or Ke$ha in that blowjob song. Statistics have shown that some 75% of young people feel peer pressure. Often peer pressure can lead to vomiting and unwanted tattoos and this is not appropriate for a six year old. Children used to grow up at a normal pace and this is no longer the case.

2.      The environment: On the one hand stabilisers are not environmentally friendly because of the increased risk of running over snails. Ecologically speaking, snails are a crucial part of modern ecosystems. Without the natural lubrication that snails provide to pavements, ants would not be able to slide around like they’re ice-skating. Who are we to condone murders and deny other animals leisure activities so that our children can be stable? 

3.      ‘Normal’ is just a ‘concept’ ‘anyway’: Setting a definite post-stabiliser age would require all children to be the same. As The Stepford Wives and communism have proven, being the same is not necessarily a good thing.  If we were all the same, how would we possibly be able to differentiate between one another? Are you really suggesting that we call everyone Simon and adopt an incredibly annoying and probably fake lisp just so we can ride without stabilisers by the age of four? No, I thought not. Maybe you should think before you speak.

4.      Fashion: Point of Information: maybe you should consider that stabilisers are retro and ironic.

5.      The fifth point: Your honour, I object – exactly as I expected the answer to the question ‘how old is too old?’ is unanswerable because there is not a definite answer. We can all remember this from our childhoods. As controversial as it may be, that’s the truth of it. It is a free country, and so it should be.

Fix up – look sharp, Ben.