
Being a student with anxiety during St Andrews’ exams
It’s mental health week, so let’s talk about it
My name is Livvy. I’m a fourth year Classics student at St Andrews. My favourite colour is pink, I’m obsessed with Star Trek, and I have anxiety.
Not the way you want to open your CV, sure, but also not something you should be embarrassed to admit. No, I’m not talking about my Star Trek obsession – I’m talking about anxiety. Depression. Mental health issues – that subject that people like to ignore.
More of us shoulder these illnesses than we realise – particularly students, because university is great and all, but it can also be incredibly, unbearably stressful. In fact, I know more people who suffer from some level of mental health issue than those who don’t.
Yet we’ve been encouraged to hide the fact that we’re possibly feeling depressed, or so anxious you wake up at five am with your heart trying to beat out of your chest, as if these problems make you a bad person to know.
We’re bred to be scared of mental illness.
A person with anxiety or depression doesn’t always look anxious or depressed – it’s not so simple
It’s because of this unnecessary fear that it’s important to start sharing our stories. By doing so, we can let each other know that we are not alone in this problem, especially those of us doing exams.
So, here’s a little about my experiences with mental illness.
In my first and second year, I came face to face with the depression and anxiety issues that had been lying dormant for my entire life. Funny how university brings those sorts of things seemingly out of nowhere.
For a long time, I had seen the signs but not understood them. Somehow, crying in my room once a week, by myself, with all the lights off, had never been considered a sign of a possible larger problem. Nor was driving yourself into an anxious hole over exams an issue to address. I had always been that way, and that was that.
Too many people think they’re just being “moody” or “a bit stressy”. By trivializing our feelings like this, by misidentifying mental illness and avoiding its discussion, we’re ruining people’s lives. It wasn’t until university came along and aggravated my mental illnesses, that I realised that what I was experiencing was, in fact, depression and anxiety.
There were many emo/angsty walks during this point of my life – silly as it seems, they helped a lot
I was too terrified to admit that I was unwell. I had a happy life. I’d had my ups and downs, sure, but I was lucky and had so much to be thankful for. I didn’t need to be depressed. Why was I crying when I was the luckiest person in the world?
The ignorance surrounding mental illness prevented me from identifying what was happening to me, and what I could do about it.
Particularly during exam period, mental health is something we students need to stay aware of. It might feel at the moment like you’re paralysed by fear, or so emotionally and physically drained that you can’t get out of bed. And that’s OK. You’re not the only one, believe me. Know that right now we’re all, to some extent, in the same boat.
Far away from exams
Experiencing mental illness, which is completely normal during these times of our lives, does not define you, or your future.
In times like this, when revision is just too overwhelming, I remember the wise words of my father, who said: “Exams, revision – it’s all just a bore. That’s all it is.”
For a while I didn’t get what he meant. My anxiety has meant that I’ve always approached revision like it’s a monster I have to slay. I get up in the morning and I eat my cereal, all the while the nerves creeping up on me and my hand’s shaking as I anticipate battling the dragon that is revision.
It wasn’t until recently that I realised revision isn’t battling a dragon. It’s just not that important. It’s staring at a page for hours on end trying to learn something. It’s BORING. And that’s it. That’s literally all it is – a boring thing that you try to do so that you can pass your exams.
And you know what? Whether you’re doing final year exams like me or you’re a first year- this is a very small, insignificant part of your life. Whatever happens, you’ll find something that’ll make you happy. This is just a tiny, very boring, repetitive part of your life that only lasts a few days.
It’s not a monster: it’s not going to determine your life.
So, for all those people lying awake at night, their heart pounding, palms sweaty, brain running around in loops – you are not alone, you are not broken, and you are allowed to talk about it.