The worst nights out in Brighton

Chart nights at Coalition

“Hey man, nice vest.” “Thanks I got it from H&M”. These nights are a certified way of life for freshers.

Yes you can get 5 jägerbombs for £5, but you feel like you can catch an STI in the process. If you are a fan of sticky floors, the invasion of personal space and music from a 13 year old girl’s iPod then this night is for you.

A fan favourite for dance-floor fingerers: take too many photos, wash your cock and tell your mum you love her. See you when you grow up.

Her face says it all

House nights at Life

“Have you heard this tune before?” “Yeah it sounds exactly like the last one”. One for the gurners out there.

A symptom of these nights is that you spend your whole night talking about house music and drugs, whilst listening to house music and taking drugs.

Apparently some people do like house music, but some people also liked Hitler. These nights are monotonous, repetitive and boring: I do not care if it “drops”, your sweaty nipples are distracting me from the mediocre-to-poor DJ.

Someone had a fun night

Jungle nights at Volks

“Do you have any coke, don’t say no”. You are all insane. If you go here, you have real problems.

The amount of drugs consumed in this place is ridiculous, in fact the whole thing is ridiculous and the music is unbearable.

Any regular attenders need help. I just. I. I. It just doesn’t make any sense.

Hip-hop nights at Green Door Store

“Do you wanna go out for a smoke?”  A plethora of snap-backs, “’Obey” t-shirts and Nike high-tops cloud your vision.

The awkward bopping on the dance-floor is just uncomfortable and the out of time miming to songs that nobody knows the lyrics to is frankly embarrassing.

No-one likes the music here: all anyone does is stand out front and smoke. The only reason to go is because it’s free, but do you know what else is free? Not going…

Reggae nights at Concorde 2

“Fuck Bush, fuck war, why can’t we all just wear hemp”.

This night is full of pseudo-hippies. It tends to be the smelliest night out in Brighton and you frequently have to listen to bullshit rhetoric about the environment.

Middle-class, organic-cotton wearing, red-stripe drinking, privileged white kids listening to shoddy drum and bass remixes of Bob Marley.

It’s pretentious, the drinks are expensive and the venue is unnecessarily far away.

You can tell how much she loves the enviroment

Live nights at Casablanca

“My favourite thing about Kings of Leon is that they are just totally timeless”.

I have actually enjoyed myself at this night, but I feel dirty for it in the morning. It’s a 16 year olds dream; vodka fuelled dancing to wedding-band quality covers of indie-pop.

Most people in there could do with a haircut, a few less trips to Topman and couple of hours listening to music that came out before 2002.

Techno nights at Audio

“Techno is so much more industrial than House.” I don’t want to hear the word ‘commercial’ ever again.

You suffer the same negatives as the House nights at Life but far worse. Someone always gets punched, someone always says the word ‘vibe’ un-sarcastically, and someone always loses their phone.

The better the DJ, the less they smile