East Slope

To the posh Northfieldians and Swanboroughians, East slope is how hell would look if it was made out of cheap brick. I’ve actually seen someone get in a genuine tizz outside an ES party and wail- ‘Can somebody tell me if I’ll catch a disease in here? No seriously stop laughing I need to know’.  These halls just can’t seem to catch a break.

Will I catch a disease?

Banks

The more we think about it, the less irrational this becomes. As Uni students with estimated debts of around £50,000 after we graduate, being petrified of these occasionally stingy and confusing institutions is no surprise. Not to mention that they always seem to have an unnaturally unattractive employee named Janice with such awfully drawn on eyebrows that they appear to be evacuating her face, and a socially retarded tendency of disclosing her genital warts condition to the innocent public . That’s scary enough in itself.

Hot drinks

And that includes soup by the way. I mean you wouldn’t drink lava or take a 1000 degree shower would you!? So why ram these poisonous concoctions down your throat.. It’s a lie I tell you. A lie!

Your flatmates

You either love ’em , hate ’em or in this case, fear ’em. For some of us, being warned that we’re going to get ‘touched’ in the dead of night within the first week of uni by the mysteriously mute foreigner in Room B who wears trench coats reminiscent of Jack the Ripper, is enough to scar anyone for life. Down to Poundland to stock up on torches and knives to stash under the bed, just in case he wasn’t actually joking.

He gets weirder.every.single.day.

Monsters under the bed

Yes really, apparently this phobia has not rightfully died during childhood because a surprising amount of Sussex students still check under their bed at night.  The fact that they only see used disintegrating condoms and empty Dominoes boxes does not refrain them from inspecting the area again the next night. I have nothing more to say…

They all look happy but they’re actually all thinking the same thing ‘who’s gonna check’

Commitment

We’re all young, we’re all students, and most importantly we’re all horny. Commitment is not on many students’ agenda, they just wanna have fun and the looming possibility of a stressful relationship literally sucks the joy, tranquillity and simplicity out of life. Stop sucking, it’s scary.

‘It was just a kiss I hope she ain’t thinking of sucking the fun’

Mice

Now we all know this is pretty common. Yet for those of us who just want to brush their little hairs with a girly pink comb and dress them up in a ‘Little Bow Peep’ outfit complete with its very own sheep staff- this fear is hard to understand. However for a surprisingly considerable number of Sussex students the thought of a little brown mouse peeping its flee ridden face out of the sink plughole after having kindly unclogged our flatmate’s rotting pot noodle from it is simply too much to bear. Me thinks it’s time for the Co-op to stock up on some Tom and Jerry style mouse traps.

Water

There are some of us that cannot dip a toe in the water without the Jaws music seeping into our brains. That movie ruined everything man.

Lads

Yeah you heard. These creatures do nothing but terrorize the rest of us, I can’t walk to the bus stop without  randomly being told to get on my hands and knees and…perform. Think I’ll stay in tonight.

‘They did this to me’

Calories

No-one can deny that the junk section of the Co-op is a glistening haven of gleaming gloriousness. However once you down that whole pack of chocolate caramel hobnobs you realise your ass has grown 2 fold. Now you’re in a pretty terrifying predicament, can you train your  taste buds to resist these delicacies or will you just apply to get a place on Supersize vs. Superskinny. Fuck.

Time to call Dr. Christian Jessen!

Brighton’s seagulls

Where do I start with these little brats. That deafening screeching noise they make as if to warn that the end is nigh, the way they waddle towards your crispy crème with that beak sharp enough to slash open your intestines….sod the beach let’s get down to Lewes to fraternise with some grannies. At least it’s safe there.

Locks

If one of those breaks, life is practically over. I’ll never know what my children will look like, I’ll never see another Christmas and who will record Game of Thrones for me damn-it!

This fear is so common at Sussex that next time you’re on the toilet someone is probably doing this in the neighbouring cubicle.

 Running out of eyebrow pencil

Every girl’s worst nightmare. How are we going to cover up the fact that we  shaved them off when we were 12, when our make-up brains weren’t fully developed yet, to look more like Beyonce and that they’ve never grown back? Now we look like Voldemort, not Beyonce. And always be Beyonce.

Improvisation

Touchy bus drivers

For those of us with social anxiety issues (so, most of us then), these spiteful species can ruin our day with just a rude roll of the eyes. Of course some of them are alright, but others seem to have a genuine vendetta against mankind. They can be so incredibly volatile, I could cry myself to sleep.

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