How to be a wanker at a music festival

We’ve guided you through this summer’s best alternative music festivals so you better make sure you’re the biggest wanker there.

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S U M M E R  V I B E S

“Rise” is not hiding the fact that none of you have washed for three days. “Mayfair” isn’t making the weather look nice. And “Sierra” isn’t fooling anyone into thinking you actually lead a fun life. Beware of the insta-addicts – festivals are the Christmas of their calendar. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: nobody cares about you and your friends sitting in a field next to the same tent drinking sickly sweet cider and saying “this is so nice” repeatedly. You probably all hate each other anyway.

Throw objects in the crowd

You’ve finished the final dregs of your beer so the logical thing to do is piss in a cup and then throw it. Don’t be the dick who spends the weekend getting a boner over watching the terrified, squirming faces in the crowd.

Complain about being short

Avoid this as well

You’re not 6ft but that doesn’t mean you are entitled to vent about short man syndrome all day long. If you ask nicely, who knows, they might be willing to move to one side and let you past them.

Wear ridiculous sized fancy dress

No one wants to stand near a festival wanker

Headgear that adds an extra 6ft to your height/width dimension creates a logistical nightmare in a large crowd. You’re only giving the short moaning wankers even more of a reason to whinge.

Be a music snob

It’s dead mate

Oh really? DJ Only-played-on-Radio-1-at-3am is messing about with his laptop on a stage about 40 kilometres away while I’ve got a steaming hangover? Nobody’s impressed that you have his first ever EP (recorded in his grandma’s shed, obviously) on vinyl, they’re just irritated that you’re dragging them to an otherwise empty tent where you can prove to everyone how much of a know-it-all you are. Cut the bullshit and avoid acts with names like TOK!MONSTA who describe themselves as psy-trance meets chill step because no-one really gets it anyway. See someone everyone will actually enjoy – even if that means missing some headliners.

Stay on someone’s shoulders for too long

If this happens then anyone is entitled to complain, even the short moaners. Nobody came to see your backside in mid air. And if you are going to do it, at least be quick about it. Take your picture, wave your arms around and pretend to mime the words to a song but don’t stick around in the hope that the TV cameras will get a shot of you. The chances of someone aiming a shot of their piss filled cup at you are more likely.

Take magazine festival fashion seriously

Don’t forget your bucket hat

Bum shorts, crop tops, a boho head thing and gladiator sandals are clothes for people standing still in clean places. Like a trooper you’ll suffer on wishing you could strip your clothes as easily as you can wipe away that hipstagram-ready festival smile. When you’re not busy fussing, you’re fucked off because you’re absolutely freezing, someone in Dr Martens stood on your actual bare foot, your £15 hair accessory fell off and you really want a burger but the shorts just won’t give an inch.

Steal deck chairs

Knob

Someone made an effort to carry their chairs through mud and rain, they deserve to enjoy that moment of slouching into their seat and cracking open their first weekend beverage. They deserve that privilege each day. Returning to your campsite after an awesome night of festival hedonism is only topped off by sinking into a deck chair and slurring conversation with your friends until sunrise. Don’t take that away from people, bring your own.

Take gadgets

Excellent socialising

If you would be upset if it got stolen, leave it at home. Your camera will get smashed in the crowd and someone will nick your iPhone. Go naughties or even better nineties with a nokia (which are conveniently available in ‘festival pink’) and use a disposable because, like your Oasis-loving Dad would say, those were when festivals were good anyway.

Be a ridiculous fangirl

Queuing outside music venues dreaming of the day Harry Styles finally proposes to you shouldn’t be thing, and should be even less of a thing at a festival. Don’t hang out at the main stage barrier all day just so you’re at the front for a band who aren’t even coming on until 9pm. There’s an oxygen supply at the back of the crowd.

Pitch a gazebo

And they allow festival wankers to gather in crowds

Festival campsites are cramped enough without towering gazebos springing up everywhere. People without one will bitterly resent your group for having it. Is it really worth carrying the extra load just to sit smugly under some slightly more open shelter? That spare hand could be used to carry an extra crate of cider instead. Just get a big tent and pile yourselves into it for when the great British weather takes an inevitable turn for the worse.

Wear a onesie

Everyone is laughing at you

Who will look more zany?! The lion or the monkey? It’s a tough call. What is certain is that onesie one-upmanship is the most cringe sight at any festival. They are without exception only acceptable if you’re in lower sixth and haven’t quite cottoned on or in bed watching netflix. And even then you look annoyingly smug.

Pitch a tent in the middle of someone’s circle

Don’t be surprised if someone decides to move it

Arriving late and finding a space to pitch can be a chore, but don’t be awkward and set up directly in the middle of four tents which are clearly facing each other for social congregation.

Reserve a huge area

Where are your mates?

Everyone is entitled to their space but don’t take the piss. Reserving a spot for a friend’s tent is fine but don’t expect to be able to stick a reserved sign on 10 square meters of grass just because the rest of your mates couldn’t be bothered to get the early coach.

Buy drinks

Amateur

No let’s not repeatedly worm out of the crowd to stand in the unbelievable queue and shell out £4/£5 a pint. You don’t need that in your life. Hipflasks are conveniently curved, meaning that they mould delightful to that space down the front of your pants. If you’re not too calfy, whack a can down your wellies. If you’re a girl, cocktail pouches double up as chicken fillets that just keep on giving. Never give in, comrades.

Take a guitar/ set of speakers

You’ve got no fans

Pay £200 to see loads of artists, no, pay £200 to play your guitar and listen to your iPod on some tinny portable speakers. Your one man band is boring or you spent far too long making a ‘Glastonbury’ playlist. Stop wasting a ticket that someone else would have had much more fun with.

Film and photograph bands

A picture can speak a thousand words or just show the back of one thousand heads

There probably isn’t a modern music festival in existence that doesn’t have some kind of professional video coverage.

Complain about physical contact

You’re in a crowd with tens of thousands of people watching live music. Don’t be a baby. Expect moshing, dancing and pushing.

If you disapprove move to a safer spot where you can observe from your deck chair, but oh wait some festival w**ker has stolen it.

Don’t you just hate those festival w**kers. For more from The Tab, like our Facebook and follow our Twitter.