How to prepare for Hurricane Gonzalo

Gonzalo – a name to strike fear into the heart of any weatherman (even that one on the BBC with the eyebrows. You know who I mean.)

With winds faster than the Napoli striker with which it shares a name and WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY, you’ll be wanting to batten down the hatches.

Here are our tips for weathering the storm.

Don’t leave old people locked up in the garden

We all know granny should have left by now because Crimbo was almost a year ago, but we must remember she isn’t a dog and should be kept safely in the house during this hurricane/breeze.

What not to do

Buy a teacup

Rumour has it you can contain a storm within a teacup.

Storm in a teacup… get it…

Don’t go swimming, naked, with no supervision, and no armbands, in the middle of the Atlantic

Why, you ask? Because you may risk showing symptoms of death.

You may get attacked by a 5 tentacled green pirate octopus while naked

Grab a towel

You might get wet. Man’s greatest invention since sliced bread, the towel offers unparalleled expertise in the drying department.

Grab one as soon as possible and you’re ready to tackle the storm head on.

This brave soul is ready – are you?

Suit up

If you haven’t already, get a wet suit. Now. While your friends and foes meet a watery grave with the ensuing storm, at least you’ll be the one who’s dry.

Dry or die

Be sure to thoroughly test the suit too.

Throw water at suit. Check if wet

Have an escape plan

If you’re prepared to flee to safer grounds, be sure to have some form of transportation readily available.

Make sure to have a weapon to defend yourself not only against the elements but other humans too.

People will turn crazy in the forthcoming apocalypse.

Prepared

Learn the buzzwords

We are going to have weather experts, people from the Met Office and all people over the age of 47 talking about the “devastating effects” of this “beast of a storm” and its “big wave chasers” risking “danger” due to the possibilities of “significant flooding”.

Make sure you brush up on the keywords so you can take part in mundane pub conversation.

Appoint rotating Team leaders

While many of us may be too scared to sleep, we must remember that one person must be awake at all times on watch to keep local Twitter accounts updated.

Mop, Check! Yellow reflective jacket, Check! Helmet, Check! Notepad, Check! Shorts (because we ran out of ideas), Check!

Create a storm playlist

The Flood by Take That, Riders On The Storm by The Doors (possibly featuring Snoop Dogg), Why Does It Always Rain On Me by Travis, It’s Raining Men by Geri Halliwell, Purple Rain by Prince, November rain by Guns n’ Roses, Singin’ In The Rain by Gene Kelly, and of course Tears And Rain by the one and only James Blunt (or anything by Wet Wet Wet).

Have a raft prepared

We can’t all build an ark, but a small floating device, preferably larger than a small child, could come in useful when we have to row to the new world to repopulate.

I like to think I NOAH thing or two about raft building

Whatever you do, tweet everything straight away

Because if you don’t get there first, someone else might leak the story…

Barricade

We all know that storms never knock. Barricade the shit out of your house with anything you can lay your hands on.

Impenetrable

Build a fort

This is the most important procedure. When humanity is on the brink of destruction, you will need to stick together.

Build a fort that can withstand severe wind and rain. We recommend duvets and chairs.

Oh, and be sure to cast a forcefield around your base for extra protection.

This fort will withstand anything Gonzalo throws its way

Don’t forget to build a reasonable entrance.

Reinforced chair-walls are a must

Prepare for the worst

If you survive the initial onslaught, prepare for the aftermath. Venturing out may not be an option for a while, so be sure to stock up on what’s important.

The essentials

If all hope is lost, get drunk

So, you’re going to die. Yeah, it sucks, but at least accept your fate and go out with a laugh – why not? Don’t let a storm bring you down.

Ever the optimist