Chippenham is by far the most tragic place to go clubbing in

It’s Friday night and you’re ready for a great night out on the town. Except that your town is Chippenham. You never know, it might be alright. Where to first, lads?

Spoons

Oh Wetherspoons, you comforting old friend. It’s reasonably priced, relaxed, and well heated. What more could you want? There’s no better place to have awkward eye contact with people who were three years above you from school and down a pitcher of that blue lagoon drink that everyone gets. Honestly, why?

Brunel

Then you’ll take a walk down the riverside to The Brunel, passing The Black Horse pub that has a huge security guard outside and a slightly scary dog that you and your mates will definitely want to pet. Arguably the nicest place to go, Bru is a perfect place to catch up with friends and have a pretty great time – that is, until Sandra’s got her monthly night away from the kids and is getting down to some Justin Bieber on the very awkwardly placed and equally small dance floor. You’ll go to the loo with the girls to take a selfie in ‘that’ mirror.

E11evns

You might have picked up a wristband from an E11evn promoter earlier who, I should add, won’t hand it to you, but insist on clamping it to your arm so tight you can’t hide it up your sleeve in shame, meaning you have the wearable deceleration “I can’t afford to go to Bath tonight” wrapped around your wrist.

Ready for a night out on the town

You’ll go in before 11 to get that free entry anyway. Why are the floors so sticky? The smoking area is practically bigger than the club itself, which happens to be full of people like 42-year-old Terry from accounts trying to grind on you to Rihanna. You’ll have your photo taken and then crop out the logo in your profile picture. It’s okay, we all do it.

SN15

Alternatively, you may choose to go to SN15. Firstly, who names a club after the town postcode? Were there seriously no other options? Do they also own a gastropub named after the dual carriageway? Despite the middle-aged clientele who remain from Goldiggers’ 80s raves, it looks decent enough and music is okay. It’s come a long way since the dark and disorderly days of Karma. But the real treat is when a celebrity comes to town. Katie Price in little old ‘Nam? Who would have thought?

It’s been a lot worse

Old Chippers isn’t the most classy place to go out. It is shit, but it’s our shit. You can’t expect much from an old market town, the pubs and clubs are local and a decent place to see old school mates. Plus, all clubs are a bit grotty. So wear your free entry wristband with pride, and grab a Keskins on the way home. All being said, if you can afford it, just go to Bath.