What your choice of condom says about you

You’ve probably never even considered it, but the thin piece of plastic preventing you from ruining your life actually says a lot about a person.

As usual, the Tab are delving deep into the issue at hand. While you read we’re just going to sit back and wait for our Pulitzer prize nomination.

Tab condoms

Despite having hundreds of bright red condoms with the Tab’s distinctive insignia emblazoned on, we never need them as we’re all virgins.

There was one time when I was about to lose my “learner plates” but had to run off to write a story about a campus fire I’d seen on Yik Yak. The article was read over 5,000 times though so it was totally worth it.

King size

None of us have ever used one of these so aren’t qualified to comment.

Extra safe

Really? Who uses these? Live a little for crying out loud. You can’t feel anything anyway you might as well be shoving your dick inside a warm loaf of bread. Although the extra thickness makes your penis appear to have a little more girth.

Your Mum bought these for you for Freshers’ Week and they’re gathering dust in your bedside drawer next to sticky tissues and your sense of self-worth. There’s no better way of having safe sex than by not having sex at all, and you’re mastering that.

Flavoured

Why would you want your penis to taste of apples before you have sex? Do girls enjoy slurping on a piece of latex that has been manufactured in a factory to taste like something else? There are so many questions.

You either bought these for valentines day as a way to ‘spice’ up your boring-only-ever-missionary-position-sex-life but were too scared to actually use it. Or it came in a multi-box, a lucky dip if you like the double entendre.

Use for a posh wank as it is like having scented candles in your room whilst you bash one out on your own.

Performax

Have you ever used one? They make your penis go as floppy as soggy cardboard. If you use these then you are a greater man than I, you’ll probably go on to achieve great things, although to be fair if you’ve successfully used one then you can’t really beat that.

We will probably see your name in the headlines in the future, you’ll be solving world poverty, finding a cure for cancer, bringing third world countries into the here and now and hopefully silencing Donald Trump, that’s if he hasn’t been banished from planet Earth by then.

Invisible

This is by far the greatest condom to hit the market. It’s cheap, doesn’t split and you never run out.

As Doug Stanhope once said: “Doing something that is dangerous doesn’t make you a hero.” Living on the cusp of getting an STD and or getting a girl pregnant isn’t heroic, it is moronic. That being said, you relish telling your “boys” that you smashed a girl bareback last night. Not so “quality” when you have to pay child support for the next eighteen years though.

*drops shoe*

Trim

You probably play a uni sport and think you’ve got a large one. You don’t. The Pasante Trim is “smaller than a regular condom for more sensation and confidence”. But if you do use these on the regular, then you’ve probably got a great personality, she’s lucky to have you and remember, size doesn’t matter.

Glow in the dark

You’re a party animal. You’ve been to Ibiza, Magaluf, Tenerife, the Full Moon Party all simply to throw down and have fun. You live and breathe the party atmosphere and will do anything to have a neon rave, so much so that when it comes to the naked body duet, you’re well equipped to perform. We just hope that you haven’t partied so much that your little fella won’t.

Either this or you love Star Wars and want your cock to look like a lightsaber, regardless I think you’ve got your priorities in order.

The condom old enough to legally buy alcohol

You were given this during sex-ed at school and kept it in your Quiksilver wallet for years.

You’ve moved on to an expensive leather Burberry wallet your Mum bought you for christmas. The condom has been in there for so long that the circular outline is clearly visible. You can never use this. It has far too much sentimental value.

Sandwich bag

You are the Bear Grylls of safe sexual activity. How very resourceful of you. It’s now time to drink your own piss.

Anal

The fact that you’re doing the dirty means you’re probably quite a fun bloke, but someone who should probably be avoided by the majority of civilised society. You love to go out with the lads, smashing pints, pingers but apparently not pussy though.

You have a definite dark side and I don’t mean the aftermath on your willy.

Condom from the STI clinic

You know exactly how to spell chlamydia and gonorrhoea.

You’re the kind of bloke who wears football shirts when you aren’t playing or watching football.

JLS branded condoms

While bathing in the soft, post coital glow, you sob snottily into your pillow. You aren’t crying about your ex-girlfriend or the recent loss of a family pet. You still haven’t got over the loss of the greatest boy band in living memory. Marvin’s face staring up at you from the torn packet was too much to bear.

Lamb intestine

If you use this then you are likely to be found wandering assertively around campus dressed as a medieval knight. Either this or you’re so into your character for Magic the Gathering, to break away would see you lose your level 97 wizard level.

Although let’s be honest if you’re doing either of these things then a need for a condom is highly unlikely, unless this medieval contraceptive is still inside the animal…