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For the love of God, please can everyone stop doing those long af birthday Insta stories???

Sincerely, everyone else who doesn’t care

6 years ago

Opinion

Not long ago, you could go on Instagram to passively consume other people's fake lives through their stories. First thing in the morning, you'd feel around your bed covers for your phone, let the blue light wake your brain and watch your friends clinking their overpriced espresso martinis on a Boomerang from last night's story.

But today, this is not the case. Today, people are no longer trying to shove their horrendously basic lives down your throat. Instead they've committed to something much, much worse – wishing their friends happy birthday in 8-12 Instagram story tiles. Christ, is this what purgatory feels like?

Your friend Sophie from secondary school will wish her friend Claire: A. Happy. Birthday. To. The Bestie. For. Life. She. Is So Funny. And Smart. Love Her. Happy 21st.

Or someone who used to be on your course will do a rancid series of birthday posts for their boyfriend. Happy Birthday. My Love. Can't Believe. It's Been Four Months. Already. Here's To Five Months More. Before I Dumb You After Graduation. X.

And no Liam, I'm sorry but I don't care about the ten-part story of your mum's 60th. Send her a card!! Send her my love! But she doesn't even have Instagram!!

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Watching these types of stories makes you lose brain cells faster than listening to Kylie Jenner's New Year's Resolutions. It should be illegal and let me tell you why.

Firstly, it's because your brain recognises that it's already seen the photos used in these mundanely boring birthday stories. And if not, the person who's posting them is essentially doing it to showcase a variety of very fit photos of themselves.

Secondly, the birthday posts create an endless loop of people sharing said stories on their own stories and it's just too much. Don't you all have a group chat or something? I know it's meant to be nice, but could you not have DMed you friend instead?

But the worst part of this is once you commit to doing a birthday story for one person, you have to do it for everyone else too. I kid you not, this actually happened to my friend.

Anna told me: "My friend always does the happy birthday posts on Instagram. She makes about three slides per person which have cute photos of them from nights out etc. There are about 15 people in our group, and she does the posts for everyone, as well as people she vaguely knows from hockey and work – so basically everyone in her life.

"But on my birthday she FORGOT to do one…it was so hurtful!!! All day I was waiting for MY Instagram story post, and it never came. I was genuinely hurt – it may have been a mistake, but when she remembers to do a post for the receptionist at work, I find it hard to believe she would forget her best friend."

No, I don't understand how this is a real problem in 2019 either. You heard it here first. Birthday Instagram stories need to be stopped before it's too late.