Dear Dev

All my flatmates are talking about sorting out a house already but I’m just not sure I want to live with them.  Malcolm, 19

Tell them to calm down! In a year which should be dominated by booze, birds and scraping your 40% this is the only important decision you have to make other than “Err, shall we go out tonight?” At least wait until the end of the first term so you can figure out who you’re actual friends are and who are the manipulative social climbers and the useless moronic scumbags. People will talk about them running out of nice places but there are so many houses to let that sometimes the later it gets the better deals you get anyway. In terms of who you want to live with you should throw out a few feelers with your closest mates but don’t come to any firm decisions just yet.

My housemate sleeps with all my friends. I’m afraid it’s jeopardizing my relationships with them. Ben, 21

Ah, what a slut. Are you sure it’s not just because you’re jealous? Unless of course you’ve been there already, you dog. As long as your friends are aware that your housemate is the promiscuous being she seems to be then there can be no harm in them all upping their tally. If it’s really getting to you though I’d recommend spreading vicious rumours of trips to the clinic, funny smells and new ointments in the bathroom.

I thought I could trust my friends and have told them a number of incriminating secrets which they continue to blurt out in the company of others. Tommy, 21

A firm scolding is in order here my man. It’s more likely that they are inconsiderate blabbering imbeciles rather than malintentioned provocateurs. They are probably completely ignorant of their wrong-doing, but as we know, ignorance is no grounds for defence and they should feel the full force of your wrath. Many of us have secrets but trustees should be few and carefully selected. As you consider these fools your friends you could not have avoided this but they have to understand the consequences of breaking one of the fundamental codes of friendship. I suggest you dig some dirt on them and threaten to release it to the appropriate parties, just so they know how it feels…