Why do middle class students always make the worst drug dealers?

From trying to deal with two police officers as parents or attempting to deal on Tinder, student dealers this year have all got it very wrong. 

Traditionally we’d get bar jobs or work in the uni cafe – but that’s all too much effort for a bright prospect with no job skills and an edgy self-reinvention.

A whole new generation of middle class uni students are trying their luck at becoming big shot campus drug lords. But they’re not doing well.

In recent months, way too many high-profile arrests relating to small-scale drug-dealing have taken place involving students who should really know better.

First up is the hapless stoner Gary who tried to pick up 145 grams of weed online using BitCoin.

The Hull second year claimed the colossal amount of green was for sharing with friends – but he was still later busted for importing cannabis and punished with 250 hours of unpaid community service.

When asked why he did it, his defendant responded: “He bought the drugs online mainly to avoid having face-face-face contact with a drug dealer”.

This is largely considered to be one of the main reasons why students are flocking to their university peers to purchase their MDMA, weed and other goodies.

It’s clear: innocent freshers would much rather deal in a transaction with an Essex born lad in Jack Wills than the likes of Pablo Escobar and his merry men.

Unlucky Alex Wardle, an ex-public school Economics graduate, also tried to capitalise on his friendly-faced appeal by dealing ecstasy to students at Hull.

Despite having two police officers for parents, outstanding GCSE and A-Level results with prospects of working in the financial sector, Wardle saw the opportunity to make some extra cash from dealing ecstasy and weed.

Privately-educated Alex Wardle

Whilst his business plan proved to be going M.D.M.Azingly at first, he was arrested and sent to prison for four years and four months for intent to supply class A drugs.

While the judge might have cut him a bit of slack for this being a first offence, Alex decided to carry on dealing even while he when he was on bail – which somewhat seals his own fate.

The initial appeal of dealing drugs to other students is understandable.

To a seasoned second year, dealing in halls is just like selling sweets to children.

And the high returns of dealing MDMA and weed often helps students, who might be struggling to over the rising living costs in University cities, to make easy cash.

But if you’re not hard up, it also allows you to buy some pretty nice stuff too.

A second year St Andrews student, who wishes to remain anonymous, explained to The Tab: “I first got into dealing because it takes zero time and is easy money.

“It pays for my nights out and only asks for me to reply to a few texts before nights out.

“Working in a shop instead would be too much effort”.

But maintaining the anonymity whilst providing a friendly face is where many of these incompetent dealers are going wrong.

The very best example is Southampton Solent second year Daniel Regan, who was caught by police for trying to sell drugs on Tinder.

Joint at the hips after using Tinder to sell drugs

The unlucky in love journalism student’s nonchalance at being identified resulted in him being discovered by police for his complete lack of discretion.

He was handed three years in prison after police discovered messages on his Tinder account, claiming he could get hold of MDMA to sell.

When one person he’d swiped right on asked if he had pills, Danile replied: “You need to be a bit more discrete about it but maybe”.

And he’d wouldn’t have been caught if he hadn’t ordered 110 tablets to his own home address.

Forget having police officers as parents, one wannabe dealer who was busted for selling mephedrone and ket has a mayor for a dad.

Christopher Blackhouse, 25, is the son of the Mayor of Scarborough and was caught when drugs were discovered inside his accomplices car.

The court agreed the dealing took place while he was “gripped by addiction”, and he was spared jail.

The majority of these students are persuaded into this dodgy trade not due to their unfortunate circumstances in life, but as a result of the apparent readiness of other students, the easy money and the ballsy assumption that they wouldn’t be caught.

With 70 per cent of University students using drugs and the recent ban on legal highs, it looks like this risky trade is set to turn more students into convicts.

So it soon may very well be the time to say goodbye to your local Nos Boss and hello to the third year Archaeology student in orange overalls.