Being a northerner in London has ruined my life

Being a northerner in London is awful.

Yes, this is another article about a northerner being sick of unfriendly southerners. No, I’m not sorry.

But seriously, you need to know: moving down south has ruined everything.

I’ve become the worst type of person

I was happy before I came to this city. I breathed air that had oxygen in it. I drank water from the tap, and it didn’t taste like it had been scraped from the bottom of the Thames. I smiled at the elderly. I actually knew how to walk slowly.

Now, everything I do is an internal battle between my commitment to being socially acceptable and my desire to destroy everything I see. My nerves are shot to pieces.

I used to be pretty laid back, but now my irritation toward tourists is so extreme I’m in danger of making the English Defence League look tolerant. And even though it’s really not that big a deal, I often catch myself thinking standing on the left of an escalator should probably be punishable by death.

I think the moment I realised I’d totally lost myself is when I told someone to piss off under my breath on the Tube once, and when they almost definitely heard me I wasn’t even bothered. In my defence, they were repeatedly whacking into me with a rucksack that really should’ve been on the floor, and didn’t stop when I pointed it out really nicely. But still, I used to exclusively tell people to piss off in my head.

Basically, I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I kind of hate myself. Nice one, London.

Everyone from home probably thinks I’m a dick

It’s well documented that everyday life in London is much more interesting than in the north. No matter how much the words “Northern Powerhouse” are thrown around, it’s not really the same as London. And even if it was, the ‘Northern Powerhouse’ hasn’t actually made it to Newcastle yet, and it probably never will because it pretty much begins and ends in Manchester.

Because of this, and no offence to my beloved city, life here is very exciting by comparison. I see celebrities and world-famous landmarks so often it’s not even a big deal. I eat really, really good food from all over the place, party at legendary nightclubs, and I’m right in the middle of everything all the time. Arguably best of all, if I want to go shopping on a Sunday, I don’t have to stop at 5pm.

Yes, people might joke that I have to take a loan out every time I leave the house – but it’s still better than a night on the razzle in my little County Durham hometown, followed by a parmo.

I sound like a complete dick, right? Well, that’s because I am. Thanks London, you’ve turned me into a douchebag who will probably never be excited about anything outside of London, ever, because I’ve seen it all before. I’m 20 and my life has basically peaked. It’s frankly tragic.

Nobody can work out where I’m from 

This is less of a problem with London, and more with Londoners. Soz guys, but you need to quit losing your minds when you hear me (or anyone who isn’t from the south of England) speak.

First up, if someone has an accent, that’s not an invitation to take the piss. But more importantly, I just really want you to know that sometimes, people from the north don’t have ridiculously OTT accents.

This is a thing, and you all need to get on board with it. Because no matter how many times you ask me where in North America I’m from, I will always say Newcastle. Drake is Canadian. I am not Canadian.

Just because you don’t know what Canadian people actually sound like, does not mean that I am. And I know this is going to blow your mind, but weirdly enough you’re not the first person to tell me I don’t have a Geordie accent.

Southern ignorance is real  

Newcastle is just about 300 miles from London, but from the way some people bang on, you’d think I’d escaped a gulag on Mars infested with Geordie Shore cast members and Jeremy Kyle guests.

“I’ve never been past Birmingham”, southerners say, like it’s something to be proud of. It’s not. For starters, you’re not getting Greggs’ optimum menu until you’re in at least Sheffield.

I know I just said life in the north is pretty boring, but it doesn’t mean people in the south should laugh off the fact they don’t know what happens once you get past the Watford Gap. It’s actually quite sad that many have never taken the time to find out.

It may be dull being there full-time once London has ruined everything for you – but the north is home to some of the most beautiful places in the world.

And seeing as every little helps when it comes to reducing my eternal London-induced rage, it’s time people in the south realised that.