How to pull off being a terrible frep, by a frep

There’s plenty of sources around for advice on how to be an ‘ideal’ freshers rep. Obviously, ours is the best, but we live in the real world, where things never really go to plan. To help you out when your best-laid schemes inevitably go awry, we’ve collected tips and tricks from the frontlines of freshers repping to help you (and, ideally, your freshers) survive the week. Bookmark this for next year –  you’re gonna need it.

Just don’t forget to stop and make sure everyone knows how much fun you’re having

Help I’m way too drunk what do I do oh God oh God

Fear not! Though your briefings may have contained such terms as ‘sober duty’ and ‘sensible duty’ and ‘be able to stand’, these are more gentle suggestions than anything else. You’re likely going to be drinking with your freshers every night of the week, which means playing drinking games with them.

Obviously, having spent the last year(s) taking in your body weight in alcohol every other night, you will last longer than your freshers do. However, you are not indestructible. You will get very drunk at least once during the week. Maybe not as bad as third year Biomedical Science student Chris’ rep, who he “had to carry home” during his freshers, but approaching it. Particularly when the little shits realise you’re not supposed to be drunk and start picking on you in Fuck You.

At least all of these people are drunker than they probably should be

So what’s a rep to do? Firstly, as mentioned before, you should have had plenty of time to get acquainted with drunkenness in the preceding years. The feeling of oblivion and utter lack of balance should descend upon you like an old friend, or a safety blanket. This puts you at an immediate advantage in that your freshers have probably only graduated from WKDs in a park a year or so ago, so even titted you’re still more capable than they are.

Secondly, every block should have a block rep and a smattering of senior reps. I’m not 100% on what they’re there for, but I presume it’s to pick up the slack from blacked out flat reps. It is also safe to assume they would absolutely love to do this, since otherwise they’re just sat around twiddling their thumbs. Do them a favour and give them something to do – they’ll thank you later.

Fresh as fuark

Even beyond the über-reps, you’ve got a whole block of other flat reps just like you. Between freshers bedridden by the flu, the ones who haven’t left their rooms since they arrived and likely won’t until the end of the year, and whatever else, they’re unlikely to have a full complement of freshers. Offload yours on them if you want to, but on two conditions: that you give them advanced warning, and that you repay the favour by taking their freshers another night.

One of my freshers is really fit and keeps making eyes at me, what do I do?

Look, just about all I got out of A-Level Psychology is that it’s human nature to want to nail fit people. It’s simple mathematics. However, when you’re repping you have what’s called a ‘duty of care’ towards your ducklings. To hear 2nd year Law student George summarise it, it means “don’t scuttle them or you’re in deep shit”. So what can you do if one takes your fancy, and you theirs?

A pack of freshers and their Moses

The obvious answer is seriously man, just wait a week and bump uglies after. They’re going to be just as fit after Sunday, and you have complete impunity.

But let’s get real here – you’re probably both para, you’ve been grinding for a while and you’ve got a sneaking suspicion that maybe they won’t be quite as fit in the morning, let alone Sunday. It’s an unspoken truth that reps can and will get with freshers, so, without endorsing it, but in the interests of harm reduction, here’s how to work it:

#fresh

1. Don’t bail on your other freshers because they’re not as banging. This is bad form and a little bit rude to boot. I hope you like exhibitionism because you’re going to have to just knuckle down and neck your favourite in front of the others. Endure their jeers – they build character.
2. Obviously, don’t be creepy. If you’re fresher can barely stand and all you’ve had is a shot of Sourz for the night, push them away. Probably get them a glass of water too.
3. When, and only when, your last non-pulled fresher has had enough and gone home, then, and only then, do you have carte blanche to escape with your bae.
4. Enjoy the fact that they’re going to be getting ripped about it from the rest of their flat all day, whereas you only have to deal with it at pres that night.

Or, just get with the other reps, they’re fair game.

I think one of my freshers is dying oh God I can’t go to jail I’m too pretty for jail

Relax. This situation is pretty much why freshers reps exist. As we’ve already covered, you have in your possession ~8 lightweights, each of whom is trying to show off to the others how hard they are by drinking themselves into a coma because at uni, that’s pretty much how you make friends. There are two types of disaster you will encounter – the ‘I drunk so much at pres that now I have my head in a toilet and hair full of vomit’ and the ‘I’m in the same situation but in a club toilet instead of my ensuite’.

In case A, the solution is simple. Stick them in the room, in the recovery position, and ideally with a few pints of water within easy grabbing distance, but outside of flailing-arms-knock-over distance. Keep pres going, there’s no need to ruin everyone else’s night, but check on the fresher occasionally. If they’re doing better by the time you’re going out, then job done.

If they aren’t, or don’t have time for a shower to remove the aforementioned vomit, then leave them to it or, if you think it’s absolutely necessary, find another rep and either fob off your freshers on them or take theirs under your wing so someone can stay with the mess. Fresher Chris recounts the story of his flatmate who “got wankered on the first night and had to be put to bed”, and who now has to deal with the nickname Mess. Merciless, these freshers.

Fresher of the year 2k15

Case B’s a bit more difficult. Obviously you’re going to have to take the fresher home, but how to do so without killing the night for all the others? Again, the solution is to find another rep and fob/wing. Your college should pay for your taxi fare if you bring it up in the morning and get a receipt, and might even pay to send you back out again after.

Obviously if you end up having to go to hospital with one of the fragile little darlings, just follow what people in uniforms tell you do. In case it wasn’t apparent I am not a medical professional.

A fresher has roped me into a DMC how do I get out of it?

It’s been two whole days and your fresher is getting wet-eyed about home and missing their family and feelings and shit. It happens. You could of course stick around and help them get through it if you’re one of those people, but if that sounds absolutely shit to you then the pro tactic is to find whichever other fresher they seem to be best friends with and try and pass the DMC over to them so you can run away. Don’t worry about it – none of your freshers will have interesting problems yet.

And when your freshers start really dropping shapes you can just stand pack and look on with pride

Is repping worth it then? Seems like a lot of faff

Oh God yes. It is a lot of faff, but as long as you follow this (or the others) guide, you’ll manage and hopefully have both a rewarding experience and a bunch of new mates you can act superior to solely on the basis that you’re £9,000 more in debt than they are and know where all/most of the lecture halls are. To quote 2nd year Marketing student and Pendle frep Thea, it’s “a great laugh”. Just try to be as sensible as you can manage.

Disclaimer: The Freps featured in this article are for imaging purposes only. They are not in any way associated with being a bad REP.

Photo credit to Stuart Ridley (The Lancaster Photographer) https://www.facebook.com/LancPhoto and Emma Ford.