How to burglar-proof your student house

A recent spate of burglaries in Clarendon Park, Evington and Highfields has prompted some students to take the defence of their homes into their own hands…

It’s a horrible feeling to arrive back at your Leicester abode to be greeted by broken glass and the news that your student house had been broken into.

It’s not like it was personal, eleven other houses in the area had also been targeted within the space of a week. It’s likely that many of us know at least one student house unlucky enough to be hit by a break-in, so it’s important to ensure that your house closely resembles Fort Knox.

Here’s a helpful guide demonstrating how this can be achieved…

Don’t tidy your room

If your place already looks as though it’s been ransacked, chances are, the robbers are going to waste little time pilfering through dirty socks, old lecture notes and piles of books you’ve convinced yourself you’re going to read.

If they’re a pro, the criminal will be aware of the short timespan they have – if your room looks anything like this, there’s no way they’re going to think there’s anything valuable in there. Little do they know that I stash my laptop under a pile of old coats and bed sheets… fool proof.

Nothing of value here…

Make sure your back gate cannot be climbed Over

Most student houses have a side alley/back garden area that’s a welcome mat for burglars. The scoundrels who robbed our house managed to hop over the garden gate with considerable ease so I have now ensured that this can’t happen again by securing an anti-fence climbing unit, as demonstrated below.

Thieves will be stopped in their tracks

I was initially going to use a hammer and nails but decided that this would probably piss off my landlord. Although this is an essential step in ensuring the safety of your home, always seek planning permission for this type of venture.

Put Satanic messages up on your wall

If the burglar does in fact gain entry to your residence, they’ll soon be deterred by the demonic symbols that adorn your walls and doors.

Any sensible criminal would head for the hills after seeing such imagery for fear of being cursed for eternity by evil spirits. Get creative with upside-down crucifixes and red paint, leaving messages such as “I <3 Satan” and “here be demons”.

Nobody messes with the occult.

Miley knows best

Create obstacles with duct tape

Duct tape is one of those magical products that can solve most of the world’s problems. Whether it’s leaky guttering or criminal behaviour, tape can be a real lifesaver.

As you can see below, we’ve created an anti-burglary snare in the corridor of our house using the stuff. Potential thieves will be caught in a web of duct tape and despair as they are trapped, awaiting the inevitable arrival of the rozzers.

I’ll admit that this particular safety device can prove to be a bit impractical when moving around the house, but I’m sure most would agree that house security is paramount in circumstances such as these.

An artist’s impression of the scene

Put the radio on when you leave the house

This is an old favourite, and by that I mean this is what old people always seem to do when they leave their house for prolonged periods of time; but it seems to do the trick.

You’re going to want to tune into Radio 4 because everyone knows that there’s nothing more threatening to burglars than the sound of The Archers blaring from an empty house.

Potential thieves will listen in and think you’re a bunch of middle class country bumpkins that have troubles with adultery and will logically be deterred.

The Archers: no one’s going to mess with these sassy characters

Of course these tips have varying success rates, so if you’re still concerned for the security of your house, take a look at advice provided by Leicestershire police. Oh, and contents insurance is always worth a thought.