Wow

Fresher’s week

What the prospectus says

“A whole six days of activities ranging from rock climbing and ice skating to city tours and trips to the Discovery Museum”.

Keenos

New friends

The reality

The description makes it sound very civilised, rather like an OAPs coach trip to Butlins. But the events are shit and nobody goes. Who wants to play crazy golf at ten in the morning during Fresher’s Week?!  You’ll sign up for activities then fail to turn up, due to a horrendous hangover. Last Fresher’s Week one of the activities was tunnel exploring. You shouldn’t want to visit sewers during Fresher’s Week.

What you should be doing

Accommodation

So much choice

Castle Leazes

What the prospectus says

To get to town from Castle Leazes is just “a few minutes’ walk through the pleasant Leazes Park”

The reality

Leazes Park is pleasant for about five minutes a year that the sun shines in Newcastle. In fact to call it a ‘park’ is an overstatement. You have to walk through a exposed field, with a wind-chill factor of -67 while avoiding the twin horrors of cow-shit on the ground and promoters asking where you are going that night.

Beaut

What the prospectus says

“Those who struggle in the kitchen can sit back and let the catering staff take care of things”

The reality

The catering staff struggle in the kitchen. Although you may have images of quaffing on a gastronomic experience, the reality is that Leazes food makes Tesco’s horse burgers sound appealing.

Ricky Road

Not sure how they made it look so nice.

What the prospectus says:

Ricky Road has a “basic appearance” and it’s “not fancy”.

The Reality:

Calling Ricky Road “not fancy” is like saying “the trebles in Sinners don’t taste like champagne”. Although it’s true it doesn’t emphasise quite how crappy it is. “Not fancy” doesn’t really do the Spartan brick walls justice.

Exposed brick work at its best

Cosy

What the prospectus says

“You’ll be surprised how quickly you get to know your flatmates when you’re sharing a bathroom between six”.

The reality

This is only a positive if you want to get to know your flatmates bathroom routine and how often they shave their pubes. No other place would use communal showering as a positive. When you check into the Ritz you aren’t told

Classic

Newcastle United

The prospectus says

“It is no overstatement to say that Newcastle United is a religion in the Toon”

Picturesque

The reality

The word religion has connotations of peacefulness and tranquillity. Last year after Newcastle lost a match, a man punched a horse. Comparing Geordie football fans to the Christian Union doesn’t really work.

Peace

Food

Fancy

The prospectus says

“Newcastle is the best place to satisfy your stomach” and you can “check out the range of takeaways on offer”.

There’s plenty of donner – we’ll give them that

The reality

Is Newcastle really the “best place to satisfy your stomach”? I feel that Paris or London may feel hard done by if their Michelin starred restaurants are outdone by Greggs and Munchies.

Finest cuisine

Student media

The prospectus says

“One of the best opportunities is writing for The Courier”.

Snore

The reality

Don’t write for The Courier – it’s boring and nobody reads it. Write for The Tab instead, we’re fun and you get a free t-shirt.

We have a laugh

Your degree

The prospectus says

Students who do subjects such as History or Archaeology “have more private study time for reading, research and writing”

What you should be doing

The reality

You won’t spend this time on private study. Tweeting, facebook, texting, eating and being hungover are all far better uses of your time.

Where you actually spend your time

Must drink less