Pisswatch: What is Newcastle’s best piss alley?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you become attuned to the idea of doing a piss outside on a night out. It’s a candid topic but admit it – you know you’ve done it before and you’ll most likely do it again. Whether it’s the freedom to choose your own loo or an attempt to avoid over-enthusiastic cries of “No Armani no punani” from toilet attendants, there’s nothing quite like a drunken slash in an alley somewhere near Soho Rooms. Friendships are formed in this pissy crucible, clubbing plans are exchanged and bladders are emptied – what’s not to love? Now public urination is grim and kind of illegal so obviously we do not condone it, but if you’re desperate for a midnight wee in the toon, here’s a quick guide:

Pink Lane (Opposite Clayton Street Chippy)

Remember the slope and you're golden

Privacy: In terms of being rumbled mid-stream, this piss alley is a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand you’ve got some pretty inconspicuous bins to go behind but you are pretty much next to a main road. Luck of the draw on this one folks, a lookout is a good shout.

Convenience: Location wise this one is right round the corner from the O2, handy if Dirtypop is somehow getting too intense for you. Also if you’re heading back from Digi and waiting on mates in Clayton Street Chippy its handy for a cheeky piddle.

Atmosphere: Bog standard piss alley here, nothing flash but it gets the job done. Only thing to remember here is the incline: make sure this one isn’t a group effort or stand upstream if it is – you don’t want to be hungover and bleaching your trainers in the morning.

Our rating: 3/5

St Nicholas’ Church Yard (The road behind it)

Not Pictured: Huge, f*ck off rats

Privacy: This alley is about as quiet as it gets, anyone you run into is likely running the same nocturnal piss gauntlet as yourself so it’s smiles all around.

Convenience: You’re slap bang in the middle of everything here bud. Soho, Bijoux and Flares are a road away as well as The Cut and Tup Tup to your rear. Better going here than to go flying down the stairs in Bijoux?

Atmosphere: Honestly it’s not a bad little piss alley in regards to views. There’s some imposing Victorian architecture looming over you as well as the church itself – just take care not to slash directly on to it! Only negative with this one are the rats; there’s never loads of them and they’ll likely scurry away but it’s worth remembering.

Our rating: 4/5

St John Street Car Park

Honestly didn't know this was a car park till this morning

Privacy: Completely out the way, I don’t think many people even know this one exists. There's never any cars parked here at night either so you can whizz freely.

Convenience: Across the road from the Mile Castle and behind the Union Rooms, this piss alley is ridiculously handy if you’re heading over to Revs or House of Smith. If you don’t feel like getting lost in the labyrinthine Club Trop and you’re dying for a wee this is worth a look in.

Atmosphere: Kind of shite to be honest. It’s a car park with some skips – kind of edgy in the “this was such a trek it feels like the edge of town” way.

Our rating: 2/5

Soho Alley (You know the one)

It's called Drury Lane apparently

Privacy: Really edgy this one, half the alley is the Soho smoking area so chances are you’ll get rumbled at some point. There’s only one corner to comfortably slash in, however it is unlit so if you’re stealthy you can get away with it. Expect the police to be knocking round anyway on busy nights.

Convenience: Right outside Soho Rooms (obliviously) so it’s probably not even worth going out for unless you’re an absolute madman.

Atmosphere: My housemate described it as an “intimate one with the boys” so if that’s what you’re after then urine for a treat. Otherwise the lack of lighting can be a bit spooky if you’re alone.

Our rating: 4/5

Bigg Market (Pretty much all of it)

Quieter times in Newcastle's biggest communal toilet

Privacy: No one cares. This is the infamous Bigg Market; here the drinks are cheap, social etiquette is meaningless and the place is pretty much one big toilet anyway. If you’ve put up with a night in Illegitimate I think it’s only fair you should piss freely into the cold night air. There’s generally a police presence so it’s only for the most daring of public urinators.

Convenience: Right in the middle of Illegitimate, Bierkeller and Pop World (if you’re middle aged divorcee desperately trying to recapture his youth) and situated near some banging post-piss takeaways you can’t go wrong with the location.

Atmosphere: The last days of Rome. If you’re expecting a quiet one you’re obviously not a local; Saturday night Bigg Market makes an active war zone look tame in comparison.

Our rating: 3/5

Vote now for your fav place to piss in the Toon…