Builders, post-it notes and dodgy hobs: Everything you know if you live in Park View

Park View Student Village is the brand-new student accommodation for Newcastle fresher. Going solely off a description, artist's impressions and no real pictures when the accommodation application process started, nobody really knew what they were getting themselves into.

Would it be the new party accommodation? Is there a toilet brush included? What size sheet do I need for my bed and will IKEA sell the right one?

As our second week at Park View comes to an end, all of these questions have at least been partly answered, so here's a round-up of the 10 things you'll know as a resident at Park View.

The excruciating pain of waking up to the noise of construction work

Who knew that construction work would make up the view in Park View for most of us? And it gets worse. The huge drill wakes you up early in the morning when you don’t even have a 9am lecture (how is that even legal?)

We’re all jealous of the privileged few that live in a flat overlooking Leazes Park and have the liberty of watching cows roam around from their windows.

Forgetting your key card

Almost as tragic as losing your ID or a fiver which was supposed to pay for a Maccies on your way home. Less of an issue during office hours when you can desperately message the flat group chat and beg one of them to leave their warm bed to let your forgetful ass inside. More of an issue at 4am when half of your flat are asleep and you accept the inevitable reality of having to sleep on the bench between blocks one and two.

Being intellectually mugged off by floor numbers

The view from "ground floor" is definitely NOT on the ground.

Having absolutely no fucking idea how to use the washing machines and the Circuit app

I imagine the intellect required to study a degree in Neuroscience is similar to that required to work the Circuit laundry app. There is nothing more to say on the matter other than it's mind-numbingly complicated and you’d rather wear the same pair of jeans with garlic mayo on them from your late-night Munchies kebab than face a gruelling half an hour waiting for your washing to be done. Alternative solution: ASOS next day delivery.

R.I.P. Stickers

What’s the best way to inform everyone at Park View that you’re a legend and are hosting pre-drinks for every man and his dog? Post-it notes, obviously. However, we did all get an official warning from the university ordering all stickers be removed immediately. Last resort: ask randoms in the Park View group chat “anyone hosting pres tonight?”

The never-ending turmoil of club promotion

You can’t walk into the accommodation without being harassed by someone offering you club promo wristbands or finding them flung underneath your door. No, I don’t want to be on guest list and no, Lambrini doesn’t count as champagne.

Two weeks in and still having no idea how to use the hob or oven

One of the most overheard phrases at Park View: “How the fuck do I use the oven / the hob?"

I burnt a veggie burger to charcoal on the first night I cooked dinner because I accidentally used the microwave setting for 25 minutes. My flat mate cooked her chicken breast into oblivion. I don’t know where I would be today if it wasn't for the kind souls on the Facebook group chat who educated all of us (we love you). Alternative: UberEATS.

Developing an innate and primal ability to spot anyone in Castle Leazes

If they’re wearing a North Face puffa, flares, Fila trainers (or Nike Air Force 97s/Air Force 1s) and a head band then they’re rah A.F. Bonus points for being able to differentiate between catered and self-catered.

Becoming flat party fanatics

Cooking dinner at the same time as seven other people with only two hobs is an abomination. Squeezing 40 people in for pres is no problem. You'll make "best friends" with the girl you’re in a Facebook group chat with and plan to go to lunch with her the next day, then proceed to never talk to her again.

The alarm will go off because the fire door has been open for too long. Someone will throw up on the floor and you will see what they had for dinner (probably spaghetti hoops). There'll be loud music and someone will bring their strobe light machine. You'll have fuck loads of tidying up to do in the morning but hey, that's uni, isn't it? Oh, and you'll have to let a random strangers from the flat above into your room to use your toilet because you have an en-suite. You didn’t think that part through. First world problems.

There's always that one flat mate that never leaves their room

You might as well be living with a ghost because the last time you saw said flat mate was on move-in day. Anticipate that the next (and the probably last) time you’ll see them will be on moving out day. Shame.

Despite all this, we wouldn’t change our double beds, en-suites and TV licenses for anything, not even for the rip-roaring pres at Castle Leazes. Not to mention the comforting feeling of knowing there’s always a free lift home via helicopter to the RVI next door if we party a bit too hard on a night out in the Toon.

Contributions: Chloë Middlebrook