Ten things you only know if you ever lived in Cripps Hall

What does it mean to be a student at Cripps Hall? Is it the thrill of feeling like you’re living in some dystopian National Trust site, where anything and everything odd happens? Or is it eclipsed by the realisation that its pristine central campus location and catered dining is most compatible with your lazy personality? Whatever it is, the 368 rooms of Cripps will comprise a place for every sort of individual.

Many here might struggle to find something more annoying on campus than the Cripps Clock, yet the ticking clock handle lies as an omnipresent reminder that your Cripps experience is fleeting, the time really does fly. So why not take a moment, and give thought to a handful of the oddities which shape the Cripps identity.

1. It lives up to its posh reputation

Yes, you got into Cripps, but don’t expect a butler with a Strawberry Daiquiri waiting for you as you enter; you’re not in Surrey anymore. You can expect, however, to feel at home amongst the hall which in previous years attracted more privately educated students than other halls at the university.

2. The group chat is a dedicated washing machine fan club

After horse racing and wine tasting, the number one interest for your average Cripps resident is to tell the whole group chat you’ve moved some poor guy’s laundry to another location. Once the clock hits past 10pm, however, the group chat morphs into an ephemeral being, something that is unable to be controlled by fellow cricketers and Latin-speakers alike.

It’s almost as if alcohol puts Cripps residents’ minds off their obsessions with dryers and washing machines for a couple of hours, allowing for jesters to blabber on about ideas such as mixing Lemsip with vodka, whilst communally recognising the inferiorities of H block at all times.

3. Lower Cripps doesn’t really exist

Nobody knows anyone from Lower Cripps. If anyone says they do, they’re probably cultivating their inner Tory and lying to you. This fabled place offers ‘quieter living’ accommodation, but the residents here take that a little too seriously. A single hint of noise from a bedroom past 9pm will have some students anxiously awaiting the hall warden.

4. A meal isn’t complete without boiled potatoes 

Whilst the Cripps residents do get treated to varied meals, it does seem that the chefs favourite dish is boiled potatoes. It’s like the chefs train you to eat so many potatoes that when they eventually get fed up with all the mugs being stolen from the canteen, they can send you all to Mars and see if you can survive four years on potatoes alone as Mark Watney did in the Martian.

If you are as inept as me at routinely leaving your key card on my tray after dinner,  you can expect to have your striking student photo to be on display for all to see as they scan their cards helplessly against the counter scanner.

5. The sound of the clock never stops being annoying

What’s the only thing worse than a Northerner for a Cripps resident? Being startled by the twisted soul that is the Cripps Hall Clock. It was first erected as a gift from the Cripps family, who made a living from producing Velcro.

In present times, the eyes of the family lay upon students in the form of paintings in the Cripps dining hall, as they expect their luscious gazes to make students feel enlightened by their presence.

6. Anticipating 3am fire alarms becomes a sixth sense

Setting off a fire alarm is meant to be an illegal act, though here at Cripps, it’s only utilised for practical purposes. There will always be a completely valid reason why a fire alarm goes off. For example, your flatmate downstairs was playing a round of golf in the corridor after Crisis.

7. The Cripps Library is a quaint place

Probably one of the most underrated places at Cripps, the library is a great little place to study. There’s no feeling quite like being surrounded with an avalanche of unread books encompassing the tables there, even if you do happen to accidentally overhear some unfortunate stories, which couldn’t be any more contrary to the ones locked away in the dusty glass cabinets. The library is a place to simply quiet down, relax and embrace the midlands Shangri-La that saved you a five minute walk to Hallward and George Green.

8. The JCR makes Lower Cripps seem lively

Oh yeah, Cripps Hall actually has a JCR. There are a few forgotten, yet comfy, sofas and a TV, last seen with an empty Pirates of the Caribbean DVD case sat below it. I would take it someone had a really good time watching it, but the eerie atmosphere prevailed, consigning Cripps’ number one Pirates of the Caribbean fan and the special edition DVD straight to Davy Jones’ locker.

9. The Tutor room is the go-to place for pres

Some blocks in Cripps have a tutor’s room on the top floor, and it’s where most of the magic happens. When it comes to pres the corridors are too narrow, the pantries are too tight, and you don’t want your own room demolished.

Realistically, you’re going to need a bigger space to fit in more than a couple of people. That’s where the tutor room comes into play. For an extra cost, a student can live in the larger ‘tutor room’ and reserve the right to host pres and have an extra-special tutor’s placard on their door, definitely worth going into overdraft for. Just make sure you have a mop in hand if someone attempts to funnel a can of dark fruits.

10. The trek to Derby Hall for post

There’s plenty of buildings at Cripps, but a post room isn’t one of them. Sorry, it looks like you’re going to have to walk a little bit further to the Derby Hall Post Room to collect your Ralph Lauren parcel.

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