Tasha Dhanraj’s thought for the week 7: How to date an Oxford Christian

Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy. Books and books full of how to handle your livestock, culinary suggestions and what to do if you’re feeling a tad xenophobic. And yet it contains nothing about dating. I mean, obviously there’s the old “don’t commit adultery” thang, which is pretty helpful , so God didn’t leave us totally clueless. But just imagine how much easier dating would be if the eleventh commandment was just “Thou shalt always split the bill” or “Thou shalt not dump someone by informing them that you wanted to fuck them for the novelty factor, but wouldn’t take them home to your mum” (true story). You’d still get pricks, but at least they’d be pissing off the Lord as well as you and all of your friends.

So, here are my commandments to allow you to breeze through the Christian dating scene.

Commandment 1:

Thou shalt always Text-A-Toastie.

A sure fire way to have that awkward first date with a Christian. Don’t worry about having to ask them out and face rejection, just text in a question based on one of the Bible’s many heart-thumping verses, make sure you’ve got the mood lighting going and then allow your love to blossom over dinner (a toastie) that they’ve brought for you and you don’t even have to pay!

Suggested question:

Proverbs says “Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a fattened calf with hatred.” So how about that toastie?

Commandment 2:

Thou shalt explore Oxford’s Theological Training Colleges for eligible bachelors

So, for some reason a lot of young males come to Wycliffe, Ripon and St Stephen’s House already taken but, for those who are not already eternally bound, these Private Houses are an under tapped source of fit soon-to-be vicars. Vicars in training are perfect husbands – job security for life, a free house and who on earth do you think takes home the communion wine, my friends?

The only downside is that as the vicar’s wife, you have to constantly pretend to be a good person.

Commandment 3:

Thou shalt not attempt to date a Catholic friar from Blackfriars Private Hall.

It’s not going to happen and attempting will probably send you to hell. Not worth it.

Commandment 4:

Thou shalt use the Bible for its powers of seduction.

For how bad the Church’s reputation is when it comes to their attitude to sex, the Bible is brimming with some of the sauciest verses I’ve ever come across. Grab that copy of Song of Songs, jump onto a punt and read it together to see what makes your “inmost being yearn”… you might need to wait until you’re married before you can fully re-enact it, though. And then maybe don’t do it on a punt.

Commandment 5:

Thou shalt not use God to soften the break up blow.

If you’ve decided that things just aren’t working out, “It’s not you, it’s God” isn’t as foolproof as an excuse as it sounds.

Commandment 6:

Thou shalt probably get married.

Now you’ve successfully wooed the Christian of your dreams, put a ring on it and have a fancy wedding in a nice church. Whilst I’m sure sex is absolutely nothing to do with the decision making process, for some reason Christians do often get married quite young. Wonderfully – even LGBTQ Christians can get married if they’re part of the right denomination.

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